My feeling
are sad missing my Grandmother. Yesterday i started to
break downz in class, and everytime i saw anything it
reminded me of something about her. i would cry inside
and sometimes outside. Today is worse trying to get myself
together and getting back to school it's hard, my friends
don't understand. They don't know how i feel. Maybe they
had something bad happen to them and forgot how bad it
feels. Everything bothers me. I feel I have no friends.
When my Grandmother was alive she was my friend, a person
who understands me. and i feel I've lost that friend.
I want to be with my Grandmother. I guess what I'm saying
is i want to die. But that would be turning away from
God. Throwing away what God gave me as a gift, my life,
my happiness. I'm not very happy right now. People tell
me my Grandmother wants me to live a good and happy life.
I need her. I need her. I love her. I love her. I feel
I am alone. The first time I broke down my mother was
nice and then one night she told my cousin while I was
in bed that i was taking advantage of her and Jackie.
I felt bad , so bad, I cried and cried. I wouldn't let
her know about my feelings it was hard. I had to let my
feelings go. I don't know what I'm going to do. I want
to be with her but if I kill myself, I may not go to heaven
then i would not go to see her at all, forever. But if
I live till I'm supposed to die, It will still be too
long. I don't know, I wish I had answers to my questions.
I wish I could have my Grandmother down here for just
5 minutes so she can tell me what to do. I'm confused.
Should I let anyone read these papers? Mr. Smith, Father
Carl, My Mom? Father Carl wants me to go to a special
doctor tonight at 7:00. But I dont want to see HER. I
would really like to see my Grandma. All these people
Mr. Smith, Father Carl and my Mom have all made me think.
But all the thinking makes me want to ask questions and
then i become afraid, very afraid. But does it help me
in the future? Is it the way my Grandmother's death is
being used by God to help me in the future when i grow
up and become a Parent or a Grandparent? Should I go to
the Doctor with my Mom tonight? I want to go to practice.
Bernice might get mad if i dont go. I missed it last night
because I didnt feel good about myself or my feelings
about myself and the world. yesturday. If I didnt call
my Mom I would have not be writting this right now. My
Mom has tried to help me in many things. But Now i feel
I'm taking advantage of her again. Maynbe my Mom would
do better without me, then she wouldn't have to worry
about things. I love her. Should I just die would my mother
feel the way I feel now? I don't want her to hurt, it
would make me feel bad.
Michael R.
Booth
