I thought maybe
my sex drive was coming back, but I guess I'm wrong. This
morning I tried having sex with John T. Yes, finally my
fantasy came true, but not the way I wanted them to be.
Brenda is leaving
the 22nd of this month. I will miss her very much. School
starts Monday morning for me at 9:00 am. My first class
is swimming. I'm glad I'm going to start swimming again.
My other classes are: Drama, Psychological Communications,
Accounting, and Fashion Awareness (or Mdse.). My classes
seem interesting. I don't know whether I would like to
major in Accounting or Psychology. Both have their ups
and downs.
John was disappointing.
He was like nothing I ever dreamed of. Somehow I knew
I would end up in bed with him, when I found out Mark
was bringing him to the cafe. I wrote a poem
to (or about) him.
I didn't show
this to him. I didn't have to. Things worked out the way
I wanted, but not. I feel so unsatisfied with my life.
I love Kelly. I've realized that. I just can't believe
we can't get along. It's horrible. I am still obsessed
with Duane also. He is here tonite and I feel awful. He
talked (kinda) to me tonite, I try not to let it effect
me, but it does very much. I wish I could have an affair
with him. I think my wanting him only exists because he
does not want me. I'm a horrible creature. I know that
if he ever wants me, I will be there, but will become
bored with him. That is how it works. I think Duane is
smart by not wanting me. Those that do only get hurt.
"Cursed the day they fall in love with me" But
I know it really can't be love. I don't see how anyone
could fall in love with me, I'm a bastard. Speaking of
bastards, I found that my father isn't dead. He is alive
with a wife, maybe kids. I plan to do something.
Good-bye for
now,
-Dane
