Christmas has
just passed. Kelly tried to tell her mother that I am
living with her, but couldn't. She started by saying that
I was thinking of moving up there and wanted to know if
I could stay there.
No luck.
Her mother
said her allowance would be cut. Now, maybe, I should
move back home again. My mother has moved, and says I
could live with her.
I get so moody.
I was a decent
Christmas, I guess. I went to breakfast with my mother
at Dennys and Kelly met us there. Then Kelly and I went
to pick up Lisa. Lisa had dinner with my mother and me.
I thought that maybe I would run into Tim this weekend
but it looks doubtful I forgot his phone number at home
and the Cafe is closed. Oh Well! But I really think I
wanted to see him. I know I do!
I am horrible,
but human.
I am running
out of money again, and cannot make my car payments. It
will be a matter of time before they take my car away
or Uncle Bill will be eating at my throat. What have I
done to deserve this?
I look awful,
I feel awful, I can not do much right. I feel so helpless.
I can not even call for help. Lonely, also. So much. If
only I could see Tim this weekend. I think I love him.
But I do not know if love is the right word. I know I
love Kelly.
Are you supposed
to only love one person? Can you love more than one?
I am bisexual,
I like both men and women. Could it not be that I may
fall or stand in love with one of each? Why can not it
be that I may love both of them freely?
The law of
man.
I want to start
writing my own laws for myself.
Kelly knows
about Tim. I do not know really what she thinks. Right
now I almost live my life for Kelly, when know I really
should be living it for me. I really want to move back
here. Even if it is away from Kelly, she will have to
understand or she will just have to let me go forever.
I think I will stay in San Francisco until I have paid
off my debts then will move back here. I will go to school
and work. I do not care where I work as long as I am going
to school. School and learning will be the most important
thing to me right now. I must strive to get an education
and nothing must stand in my way. When I reach Twenty-one,
I will know wither or not I should keep trying. It is
not my decision, I feel, now to deny myself of happiness
that may come in the future.
So, work and
school, will be my life. Strive for perfection by the
time I am Twenty-one. So how do I explain all this to
Kelly to make her understand, when I hardly understand
myself. I must be selfish right now to achieve my goal,
should I not?
The two people
I care about most: One in San Francisco to whom I am very,
very much in love with, I have known for about ten months.
The other lives in LA, feelings come that I can not explain,
that I have known for about four months. If I live in
SLO, I could be right between them both. Visit both, share
them. I do not know how Tim feels about me. I know how
Kelly feels.
