Waves
Inward
Yes. I have
been thinking of Tim. I cannot just forget him. I don't
think ever I could. I miss him. Love? I do not know. I
fell into something when I met him.
Something.
(good poem?)
Something found.
Something felt, something lost.
What?
"Be
worth my infatuation."
words written
for Duayne but now have deeper meaning for Tim. What a
wonderful name! Almost called him today. But I do not
really want to contact him. Reasons that are not really
clear to me. I do not want to hurt him. Nor do I want
to be hurt. I was going to call Kelly P. today, to find
out his address and to see how he is doing. I do not have
her phone number. Then I tried to call Gretchen, because
I know she has his address. She was not a home.
Dane! Dane!
Dane! Stop it! You are only going to make matters worse.
I wanted to make him a tape of music and send it to him
with a short note, like: I still care. I would not put
a return address on it. I think it would be better that
way.
Maybe.
I am so confused
about my feelings any more. (You can tell by my
last entry)
What is to
become of me in the next year? Will I just fade away from
everyone's lives? I know I will not from Kelly's. But
Tim's? What does he think of me? What is he doing? How
is he?
Answers!
So what happens
now? Now that I am in San Francisco making Kelly's life
horrible. I should never have come. Like I have said before:
she is better off without me. Her family is right. She
should forget me.
So easy to
say. Not easy to do. It takes time. Sometimes, though,
it takes only one night. But it comes back and haunts
you. So frightening that the emotions come back, the feelings,
the need of her. She is frightening to me. I cannot escape
her. Caught. (another good poem?) She is inside of me
always. Always will I love her. I know. I feel.
Insight.
I do not know
how to handle love Better off without me. If I ever survive
this, I will never admit my love for anyone who I love
deeply and in return loves me. Tim said that I was a person
that he could fall in love with. Pity for him. Loving
me is the same as suicide. I know this. I have learned.
I guess in away, they have learned too.
But the hurt.
Am I hurting
Tim now? Please, no. Forget me Tim. I never existed. Kelly,
forget me. I never existed. There is no choice between
the two. Kelly, I love more and more each day. I never
knew what I felt for Tim. Kelly is undefined also, but
yet so overpowering. Kelly is overwhelming. I am caught
by love. But am I ready to accept it? I cannot even accept
myself.
So many things
to be learned.
I want to be
everything. Most of all accepted, not only by other people
(that has not been a problem) but by myself. To love myself,
A goal.
A dream.
Memories: So
many. Good, Bad. Memories come with living. To be human.
That is my problem. I am either too much of a human or
not enough.
Confusing.
Ponder: human.
etc. etc.
I wonder who
will fall across this journal, someday. When I'm gone
or not around. Listen: this is for anyone who reads this:
This journal only hits about 50% of my feelings and emotions.
It has a lot of growing and changing. You may think good
or bad thoughts of me, I do not care. But the entries
are written with feeling. That I know. I also know that
I am a hypocrite. So sue me for writing what I feel.
My nineteenth
birthday is coming up upon me. Depressing almost a year
ago Chris and I started our "affair" or whatever
it was, or you would call it. So many things happened
in one year.
Unbelievable!
Children! I
love them so much. My children will be the most important
thing in my life. I will do everything I can to make them
prefect and happy. And to go without he pains I have gone
through. Independent, but yet can still depend on me.
They will be my reward for living this awful life. Beautiful
are children. All of them!
I am so young,
but so old. Nineteen is young, my mind is old and dying.
Each year more and more things happen to me.
Good. Bad.
Confusing.
I am being
repetitive (again).
I am tired
of being poor. Money depresses me very much. "The
look" of money. A "look" period. I do not
even know what I want to look like anymore. Everytime
I leave the house, I am surprised by my looks and mostly
dissatisfied. Of course. So many styles and looks in the
world. And I want to try them all on. I do not want to
pick just one. If I do, I become dissatisfied.
So it goes.
And life goes on without you.
Passion for
Perry Ellis. Too expensive for my budget, but I seem to
have gotten the cologne, deodorant, and today: underwear.
Which I wear now.
All things
hidden.
One could not
tell that I wish to be Perry Ellis. My hair, my face,
my clothes, are such a mixture.
Lost in this
world, I try to live.
The grass is
always greener for others, I need to start pulling the
weeds on my side. So I make myself suffer. A child without
food. No culture, no feelings, no guilt? I live my life
for pain. Unknown to me is the answers. To start over
again. But I cannot.
Diverse moods
overwhelm me.
So it goes,
So I go. So life goes.
So I stop
writing here,
Goodbye:
- Dane
