So I sit here
again alone. Wanting to be wanted.
Mere pleasure
please.
I cannot seem
to find the way to grow up. It seems that my mother does
not want me in her life. Can I blame her for this? I would
not want me either.
My self-worth,
lowering each day.
At work: an
actor at work, a Welsh accent. David, the first time I
am writing of him. Cannot really be described, except
that the emotions I feel for him are the same I felt for
Duane. David, I think , must be gay. He and Lance must
be lovers. It was like a game, working last night. David
and I playing each other. Or am I reading into this?
Probably am.
I am going
home tomorrow. Visit for a couple of days. It is just
not working out here. I want to go home. Go to Cuesta.
I dread being at Kelly's apartment. I do not want to grow
up so fast.
Mom! Be my
mother, and take care of me! I cannot do it alone. I know.
I have tried. Please, someone help me.
My life is
a mess. Things with Kelly are getting worse. I am sure
she is about to say "Fuck This, Get out of my life!"
It hurts so bad that I just cannot love her and forget
all about guilt etc.
So I go on
each day, becoming more depressed than I ever have been.
I feel unloved, unwanted and unsupported. I cannot seem
to even get a grip on life.
A second job
would be helpful , but I cannot find one. Not enough money
made at Bepple's.
God, David.
I wish I never met him. I do not like games. And neither
does Kelly.
Fuck it all!
I want to go HOME!!!!!!(?)!!!
- Dane
