suN.day
- oCt.ober 12th, 1986
To fill this
book with anger, grief, obsession, love, hate, happiness,
sadness, depression, and guilt is my goal. I have completed
thus far all and more than above. I give myself a silent
hand and will dream until I die.
(so what is
it that haunts you my... son ... lover?)
06-26-86:
Fools
Desire:
I
look at your face...
and
a feeling comes over me.
So
strange
Not
foreign.
Captivated.
Fear.
Attraction.
Wanting.
Desire
to be with you
To
know you
Touch
you.
Strange.
So
strange.
How
do you feel?
Embarrassed?
Anger?
I
am confused about the feelings inside me.
How
will you know.
I
read into your expressions.
Wanting
you to want me.
Scary.
No.
Yes.
Maybe.
Could
be.
I'm
sorry, I'm making a fool of myself.
It
is my own choice.
Are
you worth it?
I
want you to be.
Very
bad.
Please
be worth my infatuation.
I
think I may need you.
Everyone
needs
Please
need me...
I
am begging.
---------------
This David
guy on page
96 is an asshole. Just thought I would clear that
up before anyone ever thinks otherwise. Here I am at
Cafe Flore. Sitting alone. But that is not anything
new here in San Francisco. It is still a very lonely
place for me. Time, give it time my friend. It has been
only three weeks. I have had a good time, though. I
miss Lisa very much. I have noticed that I have not
written much about her in this book, but she is a big
part of my life and I love her greatly. Living with
Kelly has it's ups and downs. Thank Werecow, they are
mostly ups. I do love her deeply. Money was, still,
and probably will be a problem. I would love to move
into a place all my own and feel adequate. It is something
I feel I need to do. Like last night I went dancing
all by myself and danced with myself. If was an experience.
I had to build up enough courage to force myself on
the dancefloor and dance. I thought: Why not dance?
I did not know anyone there, so if I made an idiot of
myself, I could live with myself. I think it is better
to make an idiot of yourself infront of strangers rather
than people you want to impress. Last night Kelly and
I came here and talked. After awhile of sitting inside
a man came up to me He made a proposition. He wanted
to know if I would like to be in a modeling show. He
said I would make a beautiful woman and that is what
I would be. The show is being held on November 20, at
DV8 (a nightclub). I hardly said anything but he gave
me his card and told me to call if I was interested.
Kelly says I should do it. But if I did she would be
with me. That is good in away, but I know she does not
trust me around gays or anybody for that matter. I wish
I could totally open up to her. I want to make love
to her, but yet I am still afraid of totally letting
myself go. The battle between my mind and my heart.
The same goes for Tim. It would be so easy to let my
heart take control of the situation.
|
