Yucky, yucky
day.
Well this is
it, I am all out of money, zip, zero. I cannot afford
gas tomorrow to come to San Luis.
I hate it.
I can't buy
dinner tonite.
How can I spend
so much money? Why do I? I have a definite problem here.
I don't make enough to spend even. How can I ever move
in with Fred without even being able to support myself.
I hate it.
At least I
have cigarettes. I should borrow Fred's vacuum cleaner
and just stay home tomorrow and clean house. I am already
so fucking bored.
To make me
even more depressed I was turned down for a modeling job
today because my hair was too dark!!!
Nothing seems
to be going right lately.
On top of that,
there is Devin. Cute guy, attractive and smart; Fred wants
him. I can't do anything about it! I hope this guy is
attracted to me, but I can never be sure.
I hate it!
All I want
is for someone to love me and not ask too much from me.
Like my soul.
I am seeing
things, or people, too!
Last night
I thought I saw Tim come to the Cafe. It was scary and
weird. I started to write him a letter yesterday (the
kind you don't send). But last night I thought I saw him.
I was for sure! I was sickened and scared stiff. I wasn't
the only one who thought this person was him. Fred and
Lisa thought it was him too. It wasn't, but the feeling!!
Just now I
thought I saw Kurt Medley. Still scary. Everytime I meet
with him it's the same. I get sick. I mean everything
is alright, he has always been nice. But still that feeling!!
I think that is from the tension between Kelly and I,
I don't know.
I just saw
Nicki, I like her bunches. She is very cute and also attractive.
I can't believe how I can be attracted to people but cannot
even express it to them. I get so frustrated! Even people
that I like, I can't get a message through.
What is wrong
with me?
Tomorrow I
should cancel all my dates with Chris, Angie and Fred
and stay home alone. But I know I will get even more depressed.
At each end
of a month I go through a depression. I think the weather
has something to do with it too. When the sky is gray,
dark and cold, so am I.
I hate it!
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