Alright. Peace.
World War III.
My life, yes
Michael's life is not at all good right now. When it rains
it pours. I am not at all complete.
I think I am
going insane.
For what it
is worth, I would like to get out of my life, to sell
it, throw it over a cliff, the ocean, I cannot function.
For two months
she says she has not had her period.
She could be
lying.
Right now it
is not above that. Yesterday we fought. I told her to
get out of my life forever.
I meant it.
Today she tells
me she "thinks" she is pregnant.
I want her
to be lying to me.
"A cruel
joke".
My child, a
creation of love. I am not ready to take the responsibilities
of my child.
"Our"
child.
I have no idea
what I would do.
This child
will not be taken away from me, like my baby girl was.
I cannot make that mistake again. This child will not
even have a decent start. My baby girl does, I know she
is in good hands. People who love her and can take care
of her properly.
This baby will
be punished without even committing a crime.
OH GOD, WHY?!?
History repeats
itself.
My father,
my mother, then.... me.
Tomorrow, Fred
is going to take me to be tested for AIDS.
I found out
tonite that I slept with someone last summer who is now
positive with AIDS.
I am very scared.
I can't even
talk to anyone really. What would happen to me if I have
AIDS? Many people I know could end up with AIDS. Not from
only me but the people that this person has slept with
, and the people that have slept with those people.
And Chris,
poor little Chris that never slept with anyone else but
me. What will happen if I am positive with it?
I could be
killing people that I really love!
OH SHIT, NO!
I am so glad
I have never slept with Shannon.
Kelly may have
it, Almost all of the "group" has been in contact
with it.
I don't like
any of this. My results will determine my "21 Factor".
If I am positive, then I will fuck the "21 Factor"
I will also publicize myself, I will tell everyone before
I die.
Jesus, I am
so scared!
A sign: I find
out that I have been in contact with it and the same night,
Kelly tells me that she is pregnant.
Could it be
a sign?
My fate, to
die within the next four years but leave a child that
would carry on my presence?
This is all
too weird. I won't kill myself until I find out if I am
to be a father. To hold my baby in my arms!!!
MY CHILD!!
This one will
not get away!
My mother,
I have to tell her. I have to tell someone. I tell my
mother everything. Everything except that I am Bisexual.
I don't want her to have more worries.
But she IS
my best friend. My god, she is. She is so important to
me, and I take advantage of her so much.
I do not know
if I deserve this fate, but what a fate! To die, but leaving
a child to go on.
THIS CHILD
MAY HAVE IT TOO!
NO! NO! NO!
NOooooo!!!!!!!!!
Here is my
wish if I do have it:
That Kelly
has my healthy child to grow.
I don't know
what else to write, everything else seems so trivial.
Except Shannon.
I am growing
to like him more and more each day.
Alright. Peace.
World War III.
I don't have
it (Let us imagine) and Kelly is indeed going to have
my baby ( It could not be anyone else's but mine), what
then?
I will not
go back to her. I would suffer, Kelly would suffer, and
most definitely the child would know that Kelly and I
do not want to be together. It would be for all the wrong
reasons.
I cannot let
her abort the child. More killing? My creation?
No.
I must face
it. I must.
My ghosts have
come upon me so quickly.
Either I am
too sensitive or not sensitive enough. I have reached
a point that I do not know how to handle, besides just
going along with it.
Let things
slide.
I watch silently
as my life crumbles; burns to ashes.
I must really
be an evil person.
Heaven or Hell?
I wonder.
(I already
have myself six feet under)
I have not
even done anything important in my life. That is why I
want Kelly to have the child if I die.
Her, and only
her. She is the one I truly love.
So, I find,
love is not enough in a relationship.
There is more.
So I find.
Alright. Peace.
World War III.
I am living,
but I am I already dead?
A Hollowman.
Life does not
end with a bang; but with a whimper.
Alright. Peace.
World War III.
Back
