Alright...
I am calm now, even though my life seems so meaningless
and I feel stranded and helpless. What can I do but remain
calm. I should not freak out yet. I do not even know if
I really want to anyway. When things are tough I feel
really good about being strong emotionally. The thing
that scares me though, is that I may break down at any
point. And learning from past experiences from breaking,
I really cannot afford it. I really do have so much going
for me. If I think about it, I can get through this somehow.
I have come to the point of my life where I have come
to the end of the cliff. (or the edge) I have two or three
choices, either I can jump off or turn around and walk
away from it. Also, I think I have an option of sitting
at the edge of the cliff and become stagnant. I don't
think my nature will allow that. My life has been all
or nothing. And that is what I feel I have now; nothing.
Life goes on
Blah, blah, blah!
Kelly and I
have lost contact. She has not called me for a long time
and Sharol's and her phone has been disconnected. Cut
off. Click! Luck was with me when I was at Lynne's house
(what, Sunday night?) and Sharol called. She sounds so
sad. She was getting married (Jan. '88) to ... (my god!
I can not even remember his name. I know it, but can't
think. It will come back to me) !?! Now he is going back
to his ex-wife, who is supposedly pregnant by him. Wow!
The engagement is off.. Of course. Last I heard from Kelly
is that Sharol may be pregnant by him also. Double wow!
Sharol's heart is broken once more. Of course.
Life is weird.
Sharol knows
about my chances of having A.I.D.S. It is all right she
knows, but I really do not want anyone to know because
I do not want anyone to worry. Life goes on, you know?
My life may go on for another four to five years. Who
knows? I will May 6, when I find out about my testing.
...back...
