10:15
am
Talk about
hurting people you love;
Chris
Randall and I had a big blow out.
Lately there
has been a discomfort between us.
Communication
gap.
Talking with
Chris has been almost a one way street. He talks about
his problems and I listen.
Well what
about when I want to talk to him?
Interruptions,
disinterest and blowing off.
"You've
got a boyfriend, what are you complaining about?"
Bullshit.
Utah
gives me a new outlet unlike any other, but he can't
fulfill all my needs.
Like having
a best friend for nine years. We've come a long way
in nine years. I don't want to have it come to an end.
I still need
Chris.
I can be
Chris' friend if he allows me, I don't want to be taken
for granted. I need to know that he likes to spend time
with me, for who I am.
He can't
even know what might be buggin me, because he has not
heard me in a long time. The time we have been spending
together lately has been shitty.
I am not
a punching bag at your disposal to take out your frustrations.
I can accept
his problems as valid. But when he doesn't have the
motivation to do anything about them, frustrates me!
Can Chris
accept me?
In the past
he has. There are changes going on, big ones. Things
will turn out for the better. All this negative energy,
Chris has been sending me really has had an impact on
how I feel towards him.
Why does
he push my buttons?
Why does
he get off on it?
It's just
as if we lived in Paso
again. Two 18 year olds with chips on their shoulders
created by their own insecurities.
Anyways I
would like to be close to Chris still. In a different
way. We need respect for each others feelings.
So, I was
the one who pulled the plug on Monday night at the Stud.
The situation wasn't really all that bad, but things
had been building up for awhile that I could not contain
any longer.
I was trying
to tell him something, he interrupted me. I told him
not to interrupt me and he made some kind of "Chris"
sarcastic remark.
I said, "Fuck
You!" and left the club.
We took separate
cabs, got home at the same time. Chris came into my
room and wanted to know how much money he owed me. (Funny.
I knew he was going to do that)
I told him
we would take care of all things tomorrow. I did not
want to deal with things in our "enlightenment".
He got the
money anyways and burst into my room and threw the money
on my dresser.
"I don't
want to owe you anything!"
I got so
pissed that he went ahead and gave me the money that
it didn't mean shit to me what he "owed" me.
I took the
money .. went to his room and ripped it up and threw
it in his room. Aggressive action, I know, but I was
over the point of holding back.
"This
is what I think of your money!"
(Heavy!)
I went and
got some cigarettes and started smoking again. (Blew
it!) I cried in the backyard surrounded by cigarette
smoke. I felt like Chris had died.
When I came
into the house, there was a crate of gifts I had given
him. I took it in his room and said, "These are
yours".
He said something
about dumping them on the floor and I just said nothing
for the rest of the night.
The next
morning the crate was in the hallway by my door.
We deep-cleaned
the kitchen without much words exchanged. Before he
left for work I told him that the stuff was his, he
would have to do something about it because it was not
my responsibility. The gifts were his to do with what
he wanted. They were given in love, and symbolized love
as well.
So is this
it for Chris and I?
I still love
him and care what happens to him, but I wonder sometimes
if he would be there if I needed him. There are things
that I have needed to talk to him about, that I haven't
been able to . I have felt rejected by him.
Let this
be a change for good. Sometimes you've got to let go
for awhile in order to create support. We can both think
of what we mean to each other.
From now
on, respect must be a key issue.
I love you,
Chris. (Always)
