12/18/99 :
yaWn!.. maNN.. im tiRed.. and up wHay too eARly! .. liKe i haVe
been saYin' tHese days... "no maTTer how late i get up it's
sTill wHay too early!" ..heh! .. i haVe been cHanging my sleep
habits laTely... been sTayin' up later and geTTin' up late.. i usually
like to get up wHay early.. loVe to wake up with the ciTy.. haVe
the darK morning sKy turn piNk and oranGe wiTh the suNN.. and tHen
hearing the ciTy... waKin' up... sTart to hear more traffic.. voiCes
... sometimes in this ciTy wHen it's asleep.. you can hear tHings
from gReat distanCes... i totally tHink of this city as aliVe..
it's oWn personality.. it haS become one of my dearest loVers...
i conTinually roMance san fRancisco .. and sHe does the saMe to
me... and we go through our liTTle spiffs..yah.. but wHo doesnt?
.. but sHe eVer cHanges.. like i do.. sHe maTches my sTyle and chalanges
me.. and leTs me eXeriment.. perFect loVer .. i would saY! heh!
.. wowo! .. neVer tHought of it that wHay.. plus.. sHe leTs me sCrew
around on the side and inTroduces me to cuTe guys.. hah! LOL! ..
oH yah. too eaRly.. but am meeting keV this morning ... he is going
to help me out on a weB project.. he has beCome quite the pro..
and may eVen start teaching classes at CEA.. wHay cool! .. i remember
wHen he wHas just starting out... amazing the distance he has come..
this technology really pushes us ..and he.. is dRiven.. and pLus
he's a seX.y saGGie! heh! ..
it's his birtHday tomma.. so hoPe that eVerybody remembers to eMail
him a happy biRthday..! . we are going to meet for bRunCh with a
friend of his and then hang out in the afTernoon... will be great
to hang with hiM.. his enerGy is wHat i need right now.. he is very
much an optimistic person.. and we go tHough the same things at
near the saMe time it seems with relationships.
he bRoke up with his boYfriend right before i bRoke up with fRanke...
we both haVe helped each other out... and sPeaking of fRanke...
sPoke with him a couple times.. gaVe him a "haunt" on
the pHone..heh! . we had a gooD. talk.. not a "relationship"
talk.. but just visited.. and tHat wHas very cool and needed.. it
wHas gooD. to hear his voiCe again... and to hear that he is oK..
tHat his faMily dRives him cRazy.. to hear the tHings that i am
familar wiTh. .. tHe things i enjoy.. iT's really a sHame that we
were not aBle to work tHrough things... he is a wonDerful person
and we are very close and the saMe in many wHays... and also very
different...
so.. wHas good to hear his voiCe .. like i said... compforting..
and bRought up no dRamatic feelings of huRt or pain.. anGer... it
wHas funny... another thing clicked for me.. aNother bLonde brain
cell activated ...
i am in transition.... defining a wHole new meaning of relationship
- loVe - boyfRiends... based on wHat i haVe known and eXperienced
so faR.. i haVe been banGing at that loCked door for so lonG now...
my arMs are sore.. and am tiRed of opening it and finDing a bRick
wall.. uGGGGH!.. if noBody unDerstands this.. donT freaK... wRiting
this helps me... and im making breakthroughs heRe..heh! ..
all tHis stuff relates to wHat i have been going through with relationsHips...
and how i have been feeling about them... im begining to unDerstand
now wHy thIngs have happened.. and wHy i haVe acted tHe wHay i haVe..
canT say that im all the wHay there with the definitions.. and total
understanding... im in the middle of the transition(s)... so wHen
i get farther.. i will know more.. i hoPe.. heh! ..(gotta have trust
in mY own process.. tHats where faith and patience comes in)
laTely i felt tRapped in an aNNe riCe noVel..heh! .. inFluenced
by me traveling and reaDing "pandora" and finishing "armond"..
im suRe.. but all her cHaracters have this inner sTuggle... so sTrong..
and for centuries tHey deal with... and cenTRies seems to define
my sTuggle.. and felt lately it has come to the heaD. a climaX.
tHe transition... (sorry.. feel roMantic tHis morning) :)
moRe laTer... keV. is rinGin' at my dooRbell
reX.
baCk to reAliTy reX.
