12/20/99 :
so.. i continue with my tRansition... my redefinition of loVe and
relationships....
tHere's so much goin' on in my liFe .. that i canT say this is
the only influence in my mooD.s and the current transitions... there's
work.. my moM.. my hoMe.. my goAls in liFe..
relationShips and loVe are only one parT... a seperate chapter...
but somehoW related to the overall piCture.. without eVerything
all together ..there would be missing parTs..
it's about being 'awake' ... and again having faith in my process
.. wHich may not be similiar to how others process..and that has
been my savoir and my nemisis for centuries... (remember.. im in
an aNNe riCe noVel now!.heh!)...
i awoKe that "spot" durring the first visit to cHi-town...
marKet dayes sTreet fair.. meeting geNo... mark... meeting jiM.
....yeeeeeKs!...total by suprise... realiZed i had been hibernating
lonG before and sinCe the breakup with fRanke... wHat i sTrived
for in relationships and wHat i eXpected with loVe lay dusty.. and
seemed abandand... here were people wHo helped wake me up.. and
realized that spot still eXsited.. and it wHas startin' to sTir..
..
i remember leavng chicago and crying on the pLane cause i knew
sometHing had shifted.. i felt a sorrow for the old feelings that
would go away..cause that meant i had moved past certain issues...
which i get all nostogic for... heh! .. im very nostogic about the
present..and tHat's how i become wRaped up in a moment .. and how
that moment liVes with me forEver... this is how i reCord in a wHay..
so yah.. im reminding myself of tHat moment in chi-town.. cause..
i tHink i have been trippin' on eXpectations... and at that moment..
i haD. none.. i wHas just eXcited about being aWake again and knowing
that great tHings would come from it.. the eXperience i had gathered
might come to finally be realized in a new adventure.. a new direction..
and allowing me to back away from that door that would not open
for me.. this allows me to look around at all the open doors...
that are available... that have been available .. and i laugh..
i cry.. cause it's all so funny.. that all the while i wHas distracted
with this locked door.. there were better distractions around me
!..ahhhh..
so now im looking.. around for those doors.. and have several presented...
i need to take a look at them all .. take a look at where i have
come.. and see if i can avoid a "lockup"..heh! .. maybe
i will just work on the "master" key.. ahhh.. now there's
a thought..
jiM. symbolized alot for me.. and i built up some eXpectations
with us.. that im kinda redirecting and "whooshing" to
the wind right now...and gonna see wHere tHey blow... i liKed the
feelings i first haD. for him..and those feelings.. they work for
me.. and am compfortable with them.. they make me eXcited.. not
knowing wHat might happen. i am not to shut any doors right now...
i am only to look at open ones for a bit.. heh! ..
so lonG distance and the "typical" relationship wonT
work.. for us. not at this point. i realize tHat with him. although
it might be different with others.. with each relationship ..it's
uniQue. made from two uniQue people .. so im not down on long distance...
i dont have enough eXperience yet to define that one completely
yet.. so im still open to it i guess.. maybe im looking for some
trouble.. but hell.. im a saggie.. and tHat's what i do.. someone
says.. there's trouble.. and i go poKe my big nose in it to check
it out.. i eXplore... and eXploring is very cool for me and my nature...
im looking for an eXplorer as well.. i realize that.. i need someone
that will look at those open doors with me.. and someone who will
not loCk them.. remind me not to shut them.. and tell me wHen i
dont see open doors in front of me.. argue with me about them...
challenge me.. make me take a second look..
ahhh.. i need to take a sHower and eat some lunCh... ! .. more
defining laTer.. heh! ..
reX.
baCk to reAliTy reX.
