tiMe for soMe train ramBlin...... yep... on the train again... maKing my wHay to the apple in cupertino... seeMs like the train giVes me some time to reflect and finally sit doWn and get stuff out..

alot has been on my mind... as you kNow... breaking up with franKe has maDe me really start taKing a deeper look at mYself... looKing at patterns of my liFe and tHings that i would like to acheive...and cHange about myselF...

soMewHere in the deptHs of my minD.. i tHink there is this "prince charming" out tHere for me... and im eVer searcHing for thiS person.. i tHink i have met several "prinCe cHarmings" ... eVen dated some.. but maYbe tHey werent the prince for me.. maYbe tHey were meant for someone else... or maYbe tHey WERE meant for me.. but because of the wHay i am.. i driVe tHem off.. or close up to tHem...

iM trYin so hard to be oPen... honeSt.. with mYself and to the person i loVe... wHen i cant communicate with the person i loVe or am misinterpreted... i cloSe up.. it's a natural defense of minE... i doNt like it.. and neither does the other person...

onCe again.. i found mYself in a situation wHere communication is misinturpreted... mY intentions were good.. i wanT to be able to worK out tHings... but with a relationsHip it taKes two... and wHen the other person caN't be on tHat same levEl... oVer time i get defensiVe.. or sTart makIn up tHIngs in my minD tHat try and eXplain wHy tHat person won't oPen up... iTs not alWays their fault... it's just tHat i puSh a liTTle too hard sometimes.. and tHey may not be reaDy or tHey may not eVen want tHat type of relationsHip with me.. and tHat is disheartening...

on tOp of tHis... i realiZe i haVe frustrations in other areas of my liFe tHat im alWays working on... soMetimes tHey get misdirected ... tHis is wHat buGGS me moSt about mYself right now.. misderecting the frustrations... taKing sometHIng tHat is buGGin' me in one areA and directing it to another tHat may not eVen be related.. uggggggH!... iM guiltY oVEr and oVer on tHis one.. but such as an alcolholic.. tHe first sTep is admitting you haVe a proBlem... tHe neXt steP is dealing with the proBlem... and damN.. it.. i wiSh tHere were some eaSy anSwers... but tHere arnent.. so i keep searcHing... deePer... deep into my soUl to find out wHo i reAlly am...

riGht now im in a place wHere it's kinDa dark... and tHen someone flashes on the light for aWhile and tHen turns it off.. im in mOOdy... sWing time here.. and need to stabliZe... tHis is gonna taKe some tiMe... and tHIs time around i caNt ignore tHese trutHs that i am learning about myself...

repeated paTTerns are popin' up... i breaK up wiTh a guy... and tHen the neXt "priNce cHarming" sTeps up... i try and tHink of mYself as a person tHat doesnt ruSh into relationsHIps... but haVe found tHat throuGh my liFe tHere haSnt been a very long tIme wHere i didnt haVe a boYfriend... tHere are so maNy great potencial prinCes out tHere.. and maYbe someDay i will find him.. or be reintroduCed to a prince i alReady know... wHere we haVe groWn and cHanged .. buT for noW .. i can't baRe going tHrough the saMe paTTern again.. soMetHing has surficeD.. soMetHing tHat will not be iGnored by me anYmore.. it's deManding my attention.. and wonT let me look aWay.. no matter how much that familar person inSide of me is trYin' not to look at it.. maYbe their are no "prince charmings" and it's only a fairy tale...

funni.. i wHas gettin' off the muni the oTher day at van neSS station.. and tWo cute boyes wHere beHind me... tHey whistled at me.. and i tuRned around and gaVe tHem a "groWl" stAre tHat "ling" from alley McBeal woulD be proUd of... heh! .. i sHocked mYself.. and tHen tHought .. "how bitter".. but at the saMe time.. i caNt eVen bare to knoW tHat i might igNore wHat is going on and tHese feeling im having.. it was an honEst reaCtion to wHere i wHas... poor guyS.. i leFt the impression tHat i wHas a bitter mann... or eVen a striagHt dudE.. heh! .. hope tHey tHought tHe latter...

haVent talked with franKe sinCe sunDay... on his birThday.... he wHas sad.. i wHas sad... i had been trYin' to get toGether with him to talk.. to eXplain wHat wHas going on.. alThough i had been eXplaining it all aLong to him.. i now know tHat tHere are tHese other tHings in my lifE tHat sHouldnt have anything to do with our relationsHip... but sTill tHey infuenced us... and i burst ouT in frustration with some misdirectEd frustrations... wHich caused me to sHut him out.. we haD proBlems ..yes.. but i esculated tHem by comBining tHem wiTh other issues.. and since i felt i couldnt communicate to him about tHis other stuff.. i kinDa comBined it all together and directed it at him.. wHay bad reX. not a good tHing to do.. it caMe out with anGer... and i realized.. he wHas not the fuLL reaSon wHy i wHas anGry... but he got the reSult.. luCky him...

ahhhhHHHH! yes... people are tiRed of hearing me raMble on about tHis i knoW.. don't talk about it too much with friends right now.. kinDA in my oWn little world right now.. so geTTin' it out here is really good for me.. baRe with me wHile i try and get mYself togetHer.. im trYin' my hardest to stabiliZe and get back to a beTTEr wiSer reX.

i haVe goTTon tons of adVice froM people.. i am tHankful and feel tHat i am fortunate to reCeive tHis adVice from people tHat i haVe never met... but sTill i am finDing out tHat tHere is tHis bond betWeen the caM viSitors and mYself... i haVe opened up a new tHing here.. and oVerall i tHink tHat it is a very good tHing.. and i haVe come to tHink of the cam as alMost a "liVing" tHing.. through everybody's participation.. email.. message board... cHat ...eTC.. i am heaRing the iNNer tHoughts of the cam... and tHis to me is very interesting..and wondERful... i haVe seen my website come to liFe because of the peoPle wHo visit here and participate..

onE last tHing... please do not eMail franKe.. eVen though your intentions maY be good and you want to wiSh him well.. i do too... tHis will maKe him mad tHinking tHat his priVate liFe is exposed... i do not go into his personal life here.. but tHrough the relationship with me.. tHere is his presence all throughout mY site.. im aFriad tHat if too maNy people start eMailing him.. he's not goNNa come around.. meaning tHat i put the ball in his court.. told him tHat i wasnt going to push him into talking with me...although i haVe so much to eXplain to him.. and would like us to continue a relationship... i told him tHat he could call me or see me wHen he wHas ready.. but as it is i haVent heard one peep from him.. i am sooo aFriad tHat he wont call.. wHy would he want to open up now... wHen he wouldnt when he whas my boyfriend... i doNt know wHere he is in his mind... but i dont want him to be sad... i wisH i could just be wiTh him and talk.. and giVe him a hugg... i wHas so sad last night missing him.. wanting to call him soooooo bad.. i just want to get to a place where we understand wHere each of us are coming from...

aHHHH.. geTTin' it all out.. and puShing aHead... soRRy to be a buMMer again tHis morning...

reX.

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