grRRRRRR! .....

someTimes i hate the fact tHat san francisco is so small... very much like a small toWn.. and people love to talk... and in small toWns .. you hear wHat people say.. eVen if you dont want to hear it..

someone had told me last night sometHing about franKe... tHat was oVerheard from someone else and tHen passed on to anotHer person .. and tHen got back to me.. ugggggH! ... insaNe..

bummmed me out .. all day i haVe been in such a depressed mood... can't help it.. someday's are better tHan others... toDay wHas a rougH one..

it's funny though.. eVen though franke wasnt directly doing sometHing to me.. it still got back to me and effected me.. and found mYself angry again.. and feeling the same feeling when i was his boyfriend .. wiThout even seeing him..

i tHink im haVing another breaKthrough.. im tired of opening up mYself to people tHat cant open up back... noW .. tHat sounds really selfish i admit.. and usually i fucKin' try my hardest to stay open to people.. tell them wHat's on my mind.. and try and get tHem to open up.. or not hold it against tHem wHen tHey dont.. i knoW people have problems being honest with themselves.. i knoW this first-hand.. but also know that with someone tHat loves you and offers you the support and through your own deturmination.. we all can make improvements..

but FUCK mann! .. hoW much do i fuCkin' have to giVe?!!!!!..

i keeP opening myself up to him.. and keep hittin' that brickwall.. and now im angry and hurt again...he tells me he would like to talk and work it out.. but im the only one calling him.. or making anykind of effort here.. noThing is much different tHan wHen we were together... eXcept that instead of telling him he is going to lose me.. he actually has...

im tirEd of gettin' hurt like tHis ..last week i called him again.. told him tHat he is still very important to me.. tHat i still love him.. and tHat i hope tHat we can learn from wHat we have been through so tHat we can have a better relationship...i wanted to get together and talk with him.. help him if he needs it...i dont want to see him sad.. and want to help him feel better.. let him know that i am still here for him... always will be... i just cant fall out of loVe overnight. and i can't supress my feelings....he wHas ok with this..he said he wanted to talk with me.. missed me.. ... but am figuring tHat he really doesnt care much either wHay.. he is just pacifying me until i get off the pHone.. grrrrrr! ..

i called him the neXt night just to say hello.. thought that we could at least just talk about our day..get some "casual" conversation going.. get a little more relaxed with each other... just had seen "sEx in the ciTY".. wHas fuckin' great! he had told me about it.. and wHen i called.. he kinda just blew me off..

so i figured .. let him call.. don't push him reX..... he says he wants to get together.. let him make the move.. wHen he is ready...

day goes by ... silence..

two days go by...silence...

weekend goes by.. more fuCkin silence..

but i wHas ok.. if he needed time.. let him have time.. i would be here.. and open to him wHen he did come..

tHen i hear the "word".. hearing something about him tHat upset me.. small town talk.. coming back to me... i felt my heart drop a million miles... and a realazation tHat he's not going to do anytHing about his feelings.. with me.. i felt the door slam .. and i wHas locked out for good...

i sent an eMail to him today saying that from his silence i am starting to get the clue.. that i heard something about him tHat upset me.. . tHat if he doesnt want to talk tHat i understand.. but at least be honest with me.. if he wants me outta his life... i wish he wouldnt be tWo-faced about it.. tell me one thing and tHen do another.. grrrrrr! .. well maYbe I shouldnt get toooo upset.. after all he did tell me that he wHas busy and lost track of time.. but he did think about calling me........ oh great! ..

fuc him.. i dont need tHis crap anymore.. i broKe up with him because we couldnt talk... wHy should i eXpect anything different now that we arent together... i cant take tHis anger anymore.. if he wants to be silent.. let him.. but im gonna shout my lungs out.. and get it out... otherwiSe.. im going to be an anGry mann all my life.. if i spend anymore time trying to communicate with him .. im just opening myself up to getting hurt.. i know wHat i will expect to get back from him..

wHy do i loVe him still? .. wHy did i loVe him? .. wHat the fuc did i do to not make him want to talk to me.. wHy did i allow myself to go tHis far doWn the road with him.. wHen all the signs said "danger"?

i need a big drink wHen i get home....

reX.

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