here i is again... ramblin' on the train... almost the same time as a couple days ago... guess this is my time to ramble..heh! .. but this time i have a full battery charged on my laptop.. my battery totally died on me and found out that there is actually a electrical outlet on the train...have to go up to the second level though... but that's where i like to ride anyhew... also... i don't like to ride backwards... don't know why they have the cars that make you ride backwards... i like to look at where im going rather than where i've been ... so there! ..

yesturday wHas st. paddys day.. and i wore my olive green sweater with my bright green shirt underneath... realized that i don't have too many clothes that are green... although green is one of my favorite colours.. got that from my granma.. she LOVED green... avocado green wHas her fav... i realized that i like green more in my enviroment... at home i have a green couch ... green coffee table... ashtrays... etc... guess i like lookin' at green rather than wearing it.. hmmmmmm...

well.. my st. paddy's day wHas pretty rough... had a kinda breakdown.. franke and i have not been doing that well for the last few months...the pressure kind of built and just exploded on me yesturday... woke up real sad.. got on the train and decided to write franke a letter.. giving me a chance to get out all the feelings i wHas having... and damn .. if i didnt turn into a crybaby... as i wrote..all these feelings started pouring out.. along with tears... i could stop myself.. i got into work and felt like someone had died... found myself tearin' up at the computer and runnin' to the bathroom to let it out and wash my face.. i wHas sooooooo embarised.. i couldnt believe i wHas acting that wHay... but i couldnt control it..

i had just finished another project for Apple... (yet another baby!) it wHas finished that morning... so i talked to my bossman and asked if i could go home and do some work there... of course he let me.. he rocks..and is so supportive...he knew something wHas up with me.. and made me go to the gym with him before i went home.. even drove me to the trainstation.. what a guy! .. i felt better after i worked out... gave me a wHay to vent the feelings... in a positive wHay..

on the train ride home i decided to finish up the letter to franke... again.. tears.. i must of looked like a dude who wHas about to comit suiside....writing his goodbye letter... i kinda felt like it... but it wHas good for me to get it out in writing... nothing i really said in the letter wHas new...and had talked about these things with franke before... but getting them written wHas a good thing..i knew that some of these issues franke and i were having had to be addressed... and talking in the past hadn't helped..

stopped by my mailbox and had lots of letters, a postcard...and a package from kpaul!!!... stopped by peets right next door and hadda cup of joe and read the letters...which were mostly REX shirt orders.. brightened me up...cause most people write how much they like my site and add little notes.. i didnt open up the package ..cause i knew that part of what wHas inside wHas for GGB... so i wanted to wait till i knew he could see me open it on the cam...

went home... and finally sent franke the letter.. yeeeeeeeeeKs... ! .. i wHas nervous.. and depressed... cried some more... now normally im not a crybaby... dont' cry at a drop of a pen... but if something really effects me.. i can't help it... im not a man.. im a boy inside.. really and im sensitive and show my feelings.. but i try and not go overboard... don't like crybabies.. but like it when a guy can cry.. don't like it when im doing it.. but then again.. im biased...

i dove into work... love that.. when i get upset .. at least i always have work or a project to focus on... so i did that for the rest of the afternoon.. until i saw GGB in the chatroom.. got his attention and opened up the package from kpaul... with GGB's permission of course...heh! .. i couldnt wait! .. heh! .. im like that with gifts.. i wanna know what it is...

well in the spirit of st. paddys day.. kpaul had sent me some real nice beer.. cant remember the name of it right now... and sent GGB a nice big bottle of vodka.. GGB..told me not to drink it all... heh! ..right! .. im such a lightweight... only takes one beer to get reX. tippsy... im a cheap date..heh! .. anyhew... thanks so much kpaul... came right on time for the holiday and brightened up my day...besides..it totally will give GGB and i a chance to meet up this weekend.. we haven't seen each other in person since i started working at Apple.... went in the chat for awhile and talked until ducky decided he wHas gonna attack me... ducky is soooooo mooody these days. any of you that saw how he attacked me ...know.. it wHas awful... even kicked me outta my chair! .. what nerve that little ducky has... if any of you knew what that ducky represents to me.. you would laugh even more... maybe i will tell you the story of how i got ducky one day in my rambles...

so.. after ducky attacked me.. franke called... and we talked for almost a couple hours on the phone... more tears.. but it wHas really good to get things out... be open with each other...communicate and try and figure out why we are having problems... we didnt argue.. we talked... and i like that... i learned that we need to talk more.. not to overdue it.. but to be able to express our feelings better with each other... every relationship needs that...wither it's a lover or your brother..yah know? .. anyhew... we talked for a long time.. and even though we didnt really resolve things... i felt better being able to talk to him about what wHas buggin' the relationship for us... he wHas very cool about the letter.. i wHas afraid i went off too much... although i wHas a mess writing it.. i think i hitt on some very good things...

so.. what's happening ? ..well..can't tellyou everything...cause franke is a private person and doesnt want his business spread all over the internet.. im already crossing some boundries right now writing all this... but im feeling like i need to... reX. is human like everyone else.. has problems he's dealing with like everyone else... want everyone to know that who visits my cam... know me better as a person with ups and downs... yah... in order to go "up" ..you gotta have those "downs"...

time will resolve the issues for franke and i .. don't know what will happen.. but want to keep my puppy close to me.. i wanna grow old with him... i love him sooooooo much ...it hurts.. and i seriously felt my heart hurt yesturday... love does that.. makes you act wierd...so.. time.. again.. it's back to time.. the future will tell what will happen with franke and me.. but im gonna do my best to make sure my future has franke in it... we gotta compromise to get over some of the issues.. that's true for any relationship. and im learning more and more about what i want and what i don't want... now i just need to be able to communicate those feelings and not let them build up like they did yesturday...

ahhhhh...again..it's so nice to write out my feelings.. things feel totally different today than they did yesturday.. and im glad i got it out.. now it's nice to write about what i wHas feeling yesturday in perpective.. seee? .. time does help...

and thank you...any of you.. that read this.. i know im goin' off again here.. but ...damn! .. it's MY rambles...!!!!.. heh! ..

thanks also for last night in the chat... and the package full of booze... it made me feel a little better in a time where i wHas very depressed. althought i didnt drink any of it.. i didnt dare ...with the wHay i wHas feeling.. depression and booze..mixx real wierd..and i didnt want to feel any wierder...

gonna catch some "ZZZZZZZ's" before i reach san fran.. sweet dreaMs!..

reX.

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