mornin'... yaWn...

feelin' fuZZy in the head a bit... but am comin' to life as i suCk doWn this coffy... mmmmmm... tiGer the cup is helpin'...hheh!..

so.. haVe been making the best of tHis weekend... been cleanin' my house.. foCused on tHat on sat... vaccuumed... wasHed all my sHeets and blankets on my bed.. eVen cleaned out the liVing room closet... yeeeeKs! ..tHat wHas scary... !!.heh! ..

sPring cleanin' for the caSa de reX. .. it's been wHay overdue... and it's the perfect time in my life to get tHings at home in order... tHat's my goal this weekend... get things at home in order... sTart from tHere...

so yah.. last raMble didnt desCribe a very happy reX. .. was a touGh last weeK.. maJor cHange for me... and maNy emotions... as you can tell from the writing...

so yah.. am soooo releived tHat the tHree day weekend came wHen it did... otHerwiSe i tHink i truely would have had a breakdoWn.. or more of tHem... tHink i already had my sHare tHis week.. ;>

feelin' somEwHat better... although i keep wanting to call franKe and hang out with him... but im not sure if tHat is a good idea right now.. he is angry and hurt.. as i am.. we both are feelin' it... im sure... i would like nothing else right now tHan to be haVin' his porKcHops and hanGin' out in living room .. reaDy to watch MAD TV... missed him so much last night...

haVe to confess tHat i was the one wHo broke up with franKe... so i haVe brougHt this on... i caNt and do not want to play the "victem"... if i had to say wHo the victem wHas... well it wHas sHared betWeen the tWo of us... we both had responsibilities in tHis relationship...and we both had our sHare of disapointments... but alSo happiness... wHich makes tHis so goddamn hard....

i had a choice it felt... going doWn the road we were on... it suddenly came to a fork.. with three choices... continue the wHay we where going.. getting frustrated... and pretending that everything wHas alright.. another wHas to correct the situation and take steps to deal with our problems and grow with each other... the last wHas to break up if i couldnt get to the 2nd road and if i felt like i wHas getting pusHed on the 1st road...uggggH! .. this is all confusing! .. but my mind is searching for explainations and justifications..

bottom line.. i just could not continue tHe wHay i felt we were going.. so the breakup had to happen ...otherwiSe we would have continued maKe our issues bigger by not dealing...

i tRied many times... to communicate... but wHas misinturpreted... i just couldnt go tHough another cycle tHat i wHas becoming so familiar with.... ugggH! .. enough of tHis for now... it maKes me sad to write... but i tHink it helps.. but i don't want to get soooo depressed tHat i dont want to do anything.... wHas really eye-opening...to see how many emails i got from people.. wHo have sHared the same feelings i do right now... breakups..heartaches... are sHared by all of us... so funny... wHen breaking up with someone..you feel this loss... like a death... you feel so very alone and lonesome... but the feeling is shared by everybody.. and you have to realize tHat the feelings you have make you NOT alone.... tHank you to eVerybody who has sent their words... some very good words were sent.. and feel very grateful to have tHat kind of support... it's been the heartache email club this last week!..heh! .. ;> love you guys...

so more is going to come out.. im sure... im trying to rationalize ...but at the same time their is the emotional side.. both take over at different times..and im tryin' to get em' both to live in harmony right now...

spoke with franKe a bit on tues the night after.. we did get some things out... although its hard to hear things that you needed to hear ...after the fact.. havent talked with him since... but as i said... i dyin' to call him...i wHanna hear wHat he's been doin'... how he is feeling.. wHat he ate for dinner.. mosTly just to hear his puppy sweet voice... but am afraid of wHat might happen... my emotions are still on the wire... i wHant to ground mySelf first...

keep remindin' myself that im doin' alright... im takin' the steps... doWn the road i chose...

reX.

Vote for the !...reX.cam...! Everyday at Jasbit's.

Back to reX.'s rambles