9/1/99 (11:30pm):

joy.

yah.. i write again... so glad tHat last month is oVer.. but in a wHay im not..

i tHink i learNed quite a bit last month about mYself.. and others... im glad to come back here..to mY raMBles and offer something else tHan just two awful poems..heh! .. felt so good to be able to eXpress mYself in that wHay again.. eVen if it wasnt plentiful in quantity.. it made up volumes in my liFe..laSt monTh.. wHew! ..

but hey mann! .. tHis is an eXpression (reX.pression) of me.. and wHo i am.. wHat im goin' trough.. mY rambles is a plaCe for me to go and puSh around letters and words.. and find tHat side...

digg?

geNe and aNdy came over tonight for the reX.'s ranTs.. brought oVer tHai food.. so sWeet... so hoTT.. my lipps are still burnin' from tHat spicy calimari.. cleared my nose for surE! heh! ..

so the sHOw wHas about "ligHten up or puttin' out that cigg"..geNe and anDy quit smokes tonight and had thier last cigg on the sHow..

i had said i wHas going to quit on the 31st

.. yeeeeKs!... i didnt! .. i copped out.. i kneW i couldnt.. !!!!!

eXcuses .. eXcuses... but i haVe a few.. yes.. and eXplained at the enD of the sHow tHat i couldnt quit because i knew i would sTart again .. knoWing the month aHead... and wHat wHas going to happen... pLus tHat cRush of a boye jiM. came a knoCkin' at caSa de reX. from cHi-toWn... (siGh!)... i couldNt quit wHile he wHas visitin'... tHat's ruDe!.. heh!

noW... i canT eXacTly eXplain right now..wHat is goin' to happen in about a monTh... i will be able to soon... b u T... i haVe a plan.. hmmmm!... ? ..

i wHas so sorry i couldnt quit with tHe guYs tonight.. i wHas jelous but happy for them.. wiShed i wHas there wHere tHey were.. in my lifE.. but mY plaNs cHanged lasT monTh wHen i did plaN to quit.. laSt monTh my liFe wHas .. on the verGe of cHange..tHat would bring on other cHanges... and tHat is continual for me in difFerent degrEEs.. and leVels.. laSt monTh puShed on a wHole neW change in maNy wHays.. and the leVel wHas preTTy oVerwelming...

aHHHHH... can you be anYmore vauge reX.? ...

iT's like trying to keep a seCret from your best-friend wHen i write here.. being able to write.. but not being able to eXplain all.. here i can usually write anYthing i want.. but haVe my reAsons right now.. and you will soon find out... hold tight.. ! .

noW about jiM. heh! ..

all i can saY is yah! .. mann! .. poW!.. fiRst second i saW him he maDe me feel liKe gumBy wiThout the wires...wHen he left after his visiT i still wHas gumbified...heh! .. i get hard right now tHinking about him and writing his name.. hard-on in the mind..eVerytHing awakes.. it's beyond seXual feelings.. but encompases tHem dude! oh man.

i caN see wHy tHe boYes haVe cRushes on him. he is puRe CRUSH. and he pLays a mean gaMe of yatZee... tHree fuckin' yatZee's mann! .. i tHink it wHas tHe influence from the cHer concert on HBO..mY graNdma would put him on the yatZee halloffame! heh!

made me sad wHen he leFt.. but wHas more happy tHan i felt in a lonG time.. toDay i felt liBerated from feelings tHat oVerwelmed me.. and tHis is noT all of jiM.'s doing.. i wiSh liFe could be tHat eaSy.. but looking at tHat "sPot" last month.. maDe me taKe some noTice of mYself and my liFe..

i plaNted a few seeds aWay back.. a garden forgotten.. noW i goTTa huRRy up and get back there and see wHat is sTill tHere.. and teNd to it..

baCk to reAliTy reX.