4.19.2000 :

reX.'s hoRRorsCope

G R E E T I N G S Sagittarius

You may be having some intense emotional dreams. If you cannot shake them early enough in the morning, they may last with you into the day. This is an excellent time to do some soul-searching and learn something new. Try to communicate your feelings clearly to avoid misunderstandings at work and at home. Compromise is a possibility, but only if everyone puts their cards on the table. Make sure everyone is telling the truth. Otherwise, you may have to revise plans as you go along. Someone may disappoint you because they refuse to be open and honest with you.

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oH mannn... did my horrorsCope say intense emotional dreams? !... sHit mann... right on tarGet.. and they have been staying with me each day... haunting me... not quite remembering what they are.. but did trigger something yesturday.. when i wHas walking by "andthe" .. my goldfish who has been liVing now for 16 years... sHe died im my dReams...

i feel like im still in a dreamlike sTate.. and feel like i have been in one sinCe i have been home from cHicago... ePs passing really put me there..i went into a "spiritual" world.... and it's hard to come back to the morTal world...

i dont know wHat it is.. but alley mCBeal has been a parallell to my liFe.. ughhh! ..wHen sHe had started taking pills and wanted to flush them down the toilet.. i wHas right there with her cause i wHas taking that "cocktail" drug for tHat "early HIV prevention" program... feeling really siCk and not wanting to take those fucking toXic things... wanted to throw them in the toilet and flush them like alley did... and now... losing billy on the sHow last week and this week alley dealing with liFe going on even with billy's death..

tHat's how i have been feeling.. liFe is going on.. but im not quite there yet... i turn it kinda on for people i talk to.. for the radio sHows.. and then it turns back off when im alone with the kiTTs... we go into our world..the "womB" ....i lay on the beD. and sTare... and feel.. tHinking of her... trying not to eVer forget her kiSSes...

i find myself floating out of conversations with people... it's like they fade out when talking to me sometimes.. and i start going back into my "womb world".. i feel the pull.. and cant resist it.. i dont want to... there is wHere she is.. and i am having major troubles with this world without her physical presense...

physically i feel it... the other kiTTies feel it... sHe's missing her at the caSa... tHere's "3" instead of "4"... and that for us is biZZare... so many things trigger the memory of her.. and GODDAMN!..just a month ago.. just last week!.. i wHas holding her.. kissing her... rubbing my face on hers... (mY baby.. mY bo.)

goD.! .. wHy? .. wHy the pain? ..

kiTTy wHas bathing me before the show last night... she always bathed eps.. i guess i became her substitute... i knew sHe wHas missing her.. sH'es been crying in the kiTchen eVer since geNo left....kitty misses her.. eps wHas like her mother .. sinCe she wHas a kiTTen... her playmate.. her buDDy...

we all sTay on the beD. there we are close to her and eAch other... we are tighter now.. my personal tribe here at home.. cLose... healing together... it will take us awhile to get "norMal"..

i couldnt go out last night because i wHas feeling like i shouldnt leave them ... i felt like they needed me last night.. or in reality.. i really need them.. i canceled a date with someone i really wanted to be with.. he wHas cool.. understood.. but i still felt like a dorK.. especailly since i had forgot it wHas his birthday yesturday.. i cant think.. cant remember.. things are moment by moment still.. tHings are not "normal"...

im aFrad of things getting back to "normal" without her.. im feeling like alley.. it's fuCked that things go on around us even with a death.. but i know that is our saVing grace... that things do go on.. otherwise .. i would sTay in my little "womB world" forever and not come out...

i haVe epsilion in a very special place now.. sHe is with me more tHan eVer.. but this physical remoVal is very painful.. everytiem i feed the kiTTies.. open the door to take out the trash... where she would come out and help me.. or when she would dash out of the house when i would let people in.. how she woudl entertain everyone with her "edith bunker" loVe...

my baBy.. my cHild.... is GONE!!!!!!...

eVeryday...several times.. tHat thought hits me.. and crushes me...

tHere is not enough tears or words to describe the loss i feel.. nor wHat im gonna gain in the eX.perience and liFe points.. tHat come along with her passing... we all must learn.. evolve... cHange and die...

im tired..wore out... and it's only morning... i want to go back to beD. go to the "womB world" .. and hugg all my kiTTs... and be "4" again...

baCk to reAliTy reX.