reX.'s rambles

october 11, 2000 :

6:42pm

let me first state .. that my definition of mR. big is a fantasy... it's a play in my head.. and like luV. said on my show awhile ago wHen we were talking about tHat seX.y stalker hangin' out and watching me at the caSa de reX. .... "it's made - up".. a fantasy in my head tHat really doesnt include the other person.. really.

eVen if i did meet my "mR. big" .. he wouldnt be real... never could he..

i have to say tHat by doing inventory of my liFe .. looking at that 32 year old face in the mirror tHese daYs .. and putting out questions like .. wHat am i worth.. ? .. has me back to almost wHere i started.. and asking other questions .. like wHat the hell has been happening with my life?

i tHink this is the time that i realize that my reality cHecks that i have depended on for so long.. have sTarted to bounce.. some of those things im used to doing to protect myself or the person i thought i wHas is different..

lots has cHanged..

and i didnt see it all.. eVen though it's MY life! .. how is that.. ? fleeting moments.. that go so fast with eX.periences.. and then i pick up a flyer.. a reciept.. a photo.. and go.. oh yah..

i need to not let it go by so fast.. i want to embrace every second with the sense that im tHere..eX.periencing it.. and mold it to my memory...

reX.

baCk to reAliTy reX.