6.16.2000 :

reX.'s hoRRorsCope & moRnin' yaWn!

G R E E T I N G S Sagittarius

The world is wide open to you: Now all you have to do is decide which part of it you want the most. New friends are made in the most unexpected places, and single Sags may uncover their soul mate. Since everything is running so smoothly for you right now, there is no need to keep pushing yourself quite so hard. Take a little time out for fun and frivolity and your productivity will be enhanced to no end. Avoid letting gossip sway your opinion about someone close to you. The situation will appear quite different when it comes from the horse's mouth. There is simply no reason not to be happy today -- there are only excuses.

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aNd here's a tHought for today... and well.. for the rest of my daYs..(heh!):

"Reality based arguments are few and far between. Most arguments are ego based and serve no real purpose. "

i dont kNow wHo wrote it.. but it maKe seNse to me..

boYz.. boYz.. boYz... !!!!

- jiM. akers moVes to sf today.. good luCk to you bRo.. ! .. hoPe my ciTy is kinD to you .. take alook at my tHought of the day mann.. it's dedicated to you...

am takin' a very positive view on all this.. haVe to admit .. that wHen i first found out .. tHat it unerved me a bit.. but i suprised mYself.. and actually am alright with it.. besides.. it's not a thing tHat i "own" .. or control.. it's life.. and jiM. is liVin' his liFe..and there's no connection or responsibliilty tHat i have there..anymore... it's his card game he plays with his liFe..let hiM. play.

haVen't heard from him in about 6 monThs..haD sent hiM. aBout tHRee"peaCe pipe" eMails in tHat time and neVer heard from him.. and wHen he totally jaMMed cHi-town .. when i wHas coming and didnt ansWer the last one.. the one where i had said it would be an opportunity for us to release maybe some feelings.. and put some things at rest.. and maybe eVen be able to be fRiends.. at least tHose were and are my intentions... wiTh no response.. which i really didnt eX.pect.. hadnt gotten anything froM. my new years.. or another i sent.. why should he answer this one? .. obvisely he didnt want to talk to me.. so in this last email i also said i wouldnt bugg hiM. and make any big deal...if i didnt.. i had already dealt with the issures i had .. on my own..

when you cant connect.. and resolve with the other person .. then you have to yourself.. and i dont think he realized the impact he had.. sure we dated.. we fucKd.. i wasnt wHat he wHas looking for.. i digg that .. can deal with that so well. and have so many tiMes..tHat wHas the wHay easy part... but it wHas the "mortality" lesson tHat i got from him from the eX.posure ... treatmenet .. and the mental sHit that i went through.. that i really had problems with.. and dealt with .. but i canT say that i havE the eX.perience with years that jiM. has with being positive.. eight years or more i think for hiM. ... but my lesson.. no matter wHat my eX.periences have been being negetive and knowing the feeling of being positive from my friends and some of my lovers.. did not give me all the eX.perince i needed.. wHen i faced it first-hand... face to face..

it wHas now me taking these drugs.. and it wHas me who faCed the fact that maybe yes. maybe no.. i would come out positive .. and had some really heavy duty feelings about hiM.. jiM. being a part of me.. in tHat wHay.. and with us not in good terms.. i couldnt baRe it.. i felt raped somehow.. and i wHas with a cHild.. he didnt rape me .. wHat we had physically wHas very mutual.. im talking about my inner dialog that i had with myself.. ..i didnt want this thing to happen.. but had no control.. it wHas happening...

i dealt with it like i dealt with my father.. someone i never had met.. we have no established relationship.. so i dealt with his rejection and also the fact that there wHas still a connection between us even though i didnt want one with him.. and dealt with it on my own..

i did this for mYself and kinda put jiM on tHat same spot as my daD. so i could deal.. i couldnt talk to hiM. about wHat i wHas trippin' about.. and the fear that i would have part of hiM. with me.. i felt rejected as i did with my daD. .. and the feelings were similar.. so i dealt with them in the same wHay.. to resolve this on my own and eX.ccept that the other person can not be there to help resolve.. to move on .. i must do it myself.. and i did.. and continue to do so..

mortality... baM.! .. again.. in a different pHase of my lifE.. and iVe had that lesson before in different times of my life.. my relationship with death continues to grow.. and i learn more and more..

so .. i dealt..

wHen i visted cHi-town a few months ago.. i actually talked to him for about 2 secs.. he did not seem very happy to have me anSwer geNo's cellphone and immediately wanted to talk to geNo.. no prob. dude!.. im outta your wHay.. and wont be a bitch.

so really haVent heard from hiM. until this last week wHen he sent me an email saying he wHas moving.. and handing me the peace pipe.. well. i haVe already smoked that peace pipe when it came to jiM. and dont fiGure we will be smoking it together here in san francisco.. but am very grateful for the email..and happy you reconiZe the "peace pipe" and did hand it back.. and it's funny.. but i knew before hand..he wHas moving and that he wHas going to contact me... i had dreams.. and some preminitions.. about his move.. wierd.. geNe rolled his eyes at me wHen i told him.. .. but now.. that's the thing i mostly freaked about.. is that i KNew .. he wHas coming and from the freaky dreams.. and just his two-liner email...something.. told me..

sCary.. amd freaky.. but somehow i breatheD out a siGh of relief..because he did finally see that peace pipe and wHas handing it back to me.... along with the heart attacK of sHock that he would be living in the saMe city as me.. it's a very tiny ciTy here.. maYbe it's time to buy that caBin in ruSSian riVer? .. heh! .. kiDDin' .. !!!.. (maYbe.. but i would be moVing for other reasons..more to do with mYself..) hah! .. well.final line is that i have dealt with jiM. already.. and he's moving here.. im ok with it.. liFe is just that wHay.. you deal more.. and i dont anything complecated will come of this.. i have already let him slip away like a helium balloon to float where he will.. but it's ironic how that balloon fell back at my feet.. im not touchin it! heh! .. i think i see something else out there...

aNd so soMe more boYz...

- no daTe with jeffrey dean.. last night.. guess he did have to work late.. no sweat though.. my buddy marc came over and dragged me out to reform sChool and got to see some friends.. and especially gaRy and jeFF..

- miChael from monTana is gonna hang with me duRRing the sHow.. tonite.. am eX.cited.. like hangin' with this seX.y dude.. we went on a daTe on tues nite.. had dinner and then met for lunch yesturday cause we both were in the castro at the same time.. joY! . i like hanGin' with him.. mmmm. mmm. i cant wait to finally give him a real kiss..

- meeting my eX. boyfriend jaCk on sat afternoon.. we are goin' to hang out at some eVent at pier 39.. some Dj .. muSic eVent.. he's got the best taste in muSic.. and am inspired by hiM.. mann.. it will be so good to see my liTTle pup again.. miSS havin' his cute latino broWn eyes lookin' at me..

and the beaT goes on...

baCk to reAliTy reX.