6.19.2000 :
reX.'s
hoRRorsCope & moRnin' yaWn!
G R E E T I N G S Sagittarius
The pin of financial security pricks your carefree balloon. It
may be some time before the full extent of the damage becomes clear.
The good news is that this is probably the last in a series of minor
setbacks, and the Capricorn Moon helps you rise to the challenge.
Your restless hunger for new experiences transforms into a feverish
hunt for revenue. Ambition is not a bad thing, especially when it
has to do with survival. A family member may drop a subtle compliment
about your ability to deal with things. Smile secretly and do what
you do best.
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ahhhhh...
mannn.. not eVerything on the sLambook
maDe me into a saRcasTic biTch this weekend.. heh! .. i noTed tHIs
morning tHat there were some really good discussions about saFer
seX.. relationsHips.. and fiNally a word fRom one of my tRibe..
to break all of the dRama and fighting..
"there are just some freinds who become more to you than anything
you can think of. I have found a friend like that and he is the
best thing to come in my life in the last two years. reX I just
wanted everyone in the world to know wonderful a friend you are.
Thanks for everything.
an evil I love you ..goes your way. -Gene "
and i had to resPond ...
" :) a liTTle bit of "eVil" goes a long wHay mann...
you are such a good man.. good heart.. i am in loVe with your cHild
inside geNe..
and hangin' in this liFe with you .. heh! .. didnt ex.pect this
gift.. after all the sHit that has happened in the last tWo years..
alot of gooD. came to me too..
my tRibe all of a sudden stepped forward.. and mann.. you are part
of tHat "merry men" tribe i have in my mY "wooD.s" and heart..
tHank you bro.. i loVe you..
xx
reX."
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it's very cool tHat some good conversations caMe from the "maDe
up" dRama beTween jiM. and i.. and i tHink someone eVen wrote
in there that if you tHink positive and look for positive.. you
find positive tHings.. and tHats wHat i found overall.. suRe.. there
were some harSh sLaps.. and hate to see people in there fighting
and taking personal sLams at each other.. but wHen it comes to me..
well. i ask for it.. thats oNe of the purposes of the sLambook..
so wHen i get sLapped.. i do eX.pect it.. and can look at it as
eX.ternal messages ..ones .. that sometimes reflect some internal
conversations i have with myself.. my internal coversations and
my personal critic .. and boY mann.. is the cRitic ever rough..
rougher than wHat anything has been said here before.. eX.cept maybe
tHat eps comment after sHe died.. mann.. my tHoughts didnt go there
at all! .. i admit.. tHat hurt..
tHere's a lot of sMart sLammers out there.. and yesturdays raMble
made it seem that i didnt want you to participate.. but no.. wHas
letting out soMe aNger.. at really having to deal with a realationsHip
problem tHat wasnt there..
i resolved with myself and with "mR." akers.. (heh!)
tHat i didnt have a problem about hiS . moVing here .. and in tHat
wHay there wHas no sHit that would come of it.. i mean .. wHy? ..
wHy problems now.. so much had been dealt with already.. wHat's
the point of more fRiction.. the waRRior tells me this is not a
legitimate war here.. and it's a waSte of my energy.. to be negitive..
it would undo all the work i had done..
but tHen eVen with me going into this with no intentions of being
"scarlett o'hara" and sTarting the dRama.. umm well. the
dRama began already.. and problems were already being observed..
like i said yesturday i cant own it.. and have looked positively
about this whole thing.. the tHoughts switch now is not on jiM.
being here. but the issues of many things that i have read about..
it seeMs. the sMart sLammers are sParked with many differnt disscusions..
tHat go beYond that "jiM. and reX.dRAma" .. and the real
dRama sTarts to reVeal itselft..
and what are the sMart sLammers.. sWeatin' about? .. well.. it
just makes a talk sHow host get a fucKin' hardon .. to be able to
reconiZe the messages here..
-. so many different perceptions and definitions of being HIV positive
and negative
-. wHy aides is spreading.. again.. so diVerse and depending on
wHere your from .. the situation and perspective is different..
-.tHe word "promiscuous" - oH boy! many tHoughts on this
one.. .. wHat is a slut anywHays?.. for one person it's 100 lovers
in a year.. another is could be flirting at saFewhay.. mann.. many
directions on this one.. .. makes me think of other things such
as seX. addiction.. and someone brought up the "hunt"
.. does eVeryone have that? .. and i think of wHat it's like to
be at risk.. and if eVeryone knows the faCts around them .... wHythe
choices they make and the risks they will take .. how risky do you
get? .
- wHen the condoM breaks.. being eX.posed.. what to do? . how to
react? . how do both people feel? .. how to sTay neg.. hoW to not
infect wHen being positive.. saFer seX.? .. saFe seX. eQuals no
seX.?
- HIV neg and pos loVers.. disclosure..wHat happens when your lover
is diagnosed.. pos. or you are.. how do you deal with tHose two
seperate worlds.. the meds.. the emotions.. maYbe eVen a breakup..
or thiers or your own death? .. or maybe your life togetHer dealing
with it everyday.. being pos with the neg/pos.. new role models?
- how people think we should cure aides and stop the spreading?
.. the differenct perscpectives of aides around the world and the
situations.. the big business factor.. money instead of life.. or
we need money to save lives? .. wHat is our part? .. do we participate
ourselfs to cure it? . how can we? .. volunteer? .. become a sCientist..
? .. moVe eVerybody that is HIV pos to a different planet? ..
blah.. bLah.. ramble .. ramble.. but fuCkin' food for tHought..and
added my own thoughts as well as thouse thoughts that i might not
agree with.. and definately the waRRior says that aCtually this
is the issue.. and tHat the war is here.. that my energy needs to
go more into this tHan wHat seems to be on the surfice.. it's not
about jiM. and I.. it's about tHe world's miXed perceptions of realtionships
and this fuCkin' monKey we deal with eVeryday.. AIDES... and people
we loVe around us havin' it.. it's not thier issue.. it's our issue..
neG. or poS. .. and no matter wHat stance you take .. you cant
get away from it.. aides has infected us all...
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please can i cHange the subject for a seC..
haD. another "daYdream" .. tHose reflecTing liGhts and
ePs.. playing here in the liVing rooM.. sHe wHas here tHis moRning..sQueking..
foRever i cRy for her.. eVeryday.. i dont know wHen it will sTop..
but it's funny .. the laughter.also comes.. . from her visits..
sHe saves me from mYself.. sends kiTTy over.. and reminds me ..
tHat i haVe liFe.. and i am so happy and grateful for tHat.. and
also the conitinuing messages she gives me.. toDay sHe wHIsphered
to me tHat .. "heY .. the wAr aint.. tHere.. it's over there
you fool!" ..
aNother jIm. brainfart:
so many months i haVent been writing my feelings about jiM. or
the eX.posure eX.perience.. cause of the puBlic dRama.. kept that
to myself and worked it out with my oWn wRiting.. it wHas not meant
to come here to create more friCtion.. unTil time had passed.. i
had healed.. and could deal with the onslaught and dRama from the
puBlic... and do something positive with the situation.. now tHat
time it seems to come.. but it's not him.. that im dealin with..
. tHis wHas personal to me.. and durring the tiMe that it happened..
it stayed that wHay.. im sTrong now.. and see the reasons for wHy
things happen.. and aCtually am really relieved that it's all out..
and that i can keep some things priVate for my own proccessing..
tHe cHallenge will now be .. how long can i keep it private..
I haVe to go see "sHaft" sometime this week! .. maTinee
anyone?
baCk
to reAliTy reX.
