reX.'s rambles

november 9,, 2000 :

10:32am

alright... am really bummed... havent heard anything from john from gaybc about the station.. i feel really out of the loop.. more than i did when i we didnt have this crisis...

last i heard wHas that i was going to be on the air on monday... from 8-9pm... well.. tuned into gaybc.. and heard john on the air.. and they wrapped it up around 7.. and didnt even give me a word about the change.. or what wHas happening... i felt really bad..

i have no idea what's goin' on... i wish they would have a conference call with everyone there.. or maybe they have.. and im not part of it... last time they scheduled a meeting .. they canceled.. i called in and found out from the rep there at the conference company that the meeting had been canceled.. i wasnt even told... ! .. grrrr! ..

maybe im not worth the communication... but worth the time for the telethon and volunteering my time? .. i dont get it... im tryin' to understand... but cant help but feel bad that i get to wait here without a word.. and tunin' in to find some shows are still on... there must be some communication there with those people... and i am really glad that there are still shows on... i see a need for gaybc and it's content...

this is the first job where i have been told i have been a management problem... and really believe this is from expressing that i have not got the communication that i wanted with the studio... i have alway done really well with my work.. whatever i have done... and now.. i feel like shit.. ignored .. shunned.. and mann.. i put my all into this.. even when they couldnt pay me.. i put in my effort... i stopped teaching..my webdesign business and dedicated myself to the show and shows... when i wHas doing the morning show...

and now.. nothing... not even a peep... im listening to gaybc to find out what is happening like everyone else... and trying hard not to feel a little used... and forgotten... included in the gaybc family..

my self-estem is crap right now... some of the stuff john had told me.. really hurt.. i have felt his bite... and have been backed up in a corner.. where he totally ripped into me.. cut hours.. wages.. and not even sure that the reasons he gave me were real.. or was it that he just wanted to cut me out because of the money situation? ..

i dont know.. i wish i really did have a crystal ball to tell me who is telling me the truth.. and who is taking advantage of me... what is really going on...

i feel like my lover has cheated on me... left me... i love gaybc... put alot into it.. and now.. ? ..

this has been on my mind for quite awhile... i had to get it out... and am really sorry i feel this way..i wish things could be different...

reX.

baCk to reAliTy reX.