reX.'s
raMbles! . . .
weD..
noV. 28th 2001
G
R E E T I N G S Sagittarius
Why
be satisfied with your lot in life if there's something
better for you out there? Sagittarius likes a challenge,
and the Taurus Moon makes sure that these are challenging
days. Your 'to-do' list is endless, and your phone
won't stop ringing. From where you are sitting, it
seems like everyone else is doing something much more
interesting, but if you have your way, all that is
about to change. Take this opportunity to show them
all why your corner of the world is such a special
place.
(
well.. finally! .. a hoRRorscope i can deal with!
heh!.. talk about the endless "to-do" list
mann! .. just have been going through emails and adding
task items to my outlook and damN! if this hoRRorscope
didnt hit the head of the nail! . with radio gaycams
i have gotten myself deep in the organization of development
and am so pRoud that some of the seeD.s that have
been planted in the last couple weeks are now rootin'..
and sproutin'.. yah.. tHese are challengin' days for
sHure.. and still feel "polar" .. but with
deturmination .. im gonna cRush those obsticles..
and prevail with success.. there is a cHange of energy
here.. and trying hard to direct it..)
---------------------------------
- Blessings
don't always come in the form of beauty. Be grateful
for what is not an obvious blessing as well as those
that are.
wHen
i gRow up i wanT to be an old mann...
9:53 am
feeling
really positive this morn..
in many wHays..
heh! i guess the "dali-lama" attitude of making
the negative to positive is helping.. and such a metaphor
for me at this time of my life..
i made some
calls to some programs to start dealing with my HIV..
i told moM.
sHe already
knew..
it's funny
how moM.'s know this shit.. it wHas hard on me.. more
i think than on her.. cause it's another wHay of accepting
what is going on with me.. and breaking the denial ..
conquerin' my inner obsticles..
i asked the
oricle about this situation.. and it gave me a pheonix
anSwer.. typical for my character.. and gives me well
known wHays and techniques to deal with how i feel now..
the pHeonix is not unfamilar to me in my life.
i plan on
going to sf again this coming week.. to talk with people
about a new program at UCSF.. to be sCreened.. and tested
again.. moM. wHas hopful that it would come out negative.
and we talked about that ..and the unprobability of
that and how that also is part of my denial.. tHat it's
all a mistake.. we have hopes.. but cant get too worked
up on that.. she understands..
im still
trying to understand that.. eVen though i speak the
words.. the feelings inside are unsure.. and fRightened..
mann.. she
is such a strength for me.. and am so glad she knows
now.. abot my HIV status.,, she is going through her
own health "trials" .. and we can sHare much
more with each other now..
i respect
how she will let me come to terms with things and know
that i will eventually come to her .. letting me create
my own passage and the space to eX.plore on my own..
she has the faith in me and intuition of what is happening..
but wont pressure me to talk about anything that i cant..
she knows that im processing .. and will come to her
again.. and again..
i wHas fReaking
yesturday.. big time.. trying to break the glass wall
.. the belljar surrounding me.. and felt trapped.. isolated..
and so i worked in the backyard and am trying to raise
the ground so the drainin' system will work ..which
requires me to bring alot of dirt over to one part of
the yard.. so i dug.. and dug.. and sWeated.. and dug
and carryied tons of dirt over to that area.. till i
hurt.. and ex.hausted myself.. another metaphor..
i cRyed..
for the people
and life i miss..
i cRyed for
the new life i will have..
and pRayed
that i will get through this and keep myself sane and
wont go down that bitter path that has corrupted so
many.. causing fights .. wars.. and hatRed..
i want to
heal.. and i want to be a healer..
i felt another
seVere.. a breaking of the past.. another deaTh.. i
dont know eX.actely what is happening .. but am trying
to be patient and guide my energy towards healing..
and to remember that i will need to move ahead to be
able to look back at this time to know wHat wHas happening..
perspective
and reflection is eVerytHing.
with 34 coming
shortly.. i take it as a trophy.. something earned..
and am pRoud that i have made it this far.. and look
forward to getting older and becoming an old mann..
each year is earned!.. it's a reward.. not something
that i resent like so many.. age is beautiful.. and
underated.
i will gRow
up to be an old mann.
and tHat
aint baD.
