reX.'s
raMbles! . . .
tHurs.
sepT 20th 2001
G
R E E T I N G S Sagittarius
Make
sure the criticism you insist on doling out to yourself
is at the very least constructive in some way. After
all, if you're going to be this hard on yourself,
it should inspire you to do better, right? As the
Moon moves into the Sign of Scorpio, it would serve
you well not to dwell on any one thing for too long.
Finish a languishing project quickly and correctly,
and then start a new one immediately. Well-meaning
outsiders will only distract you.
(tHere's
a huge focus on focusing right now.. more like multiple
missions...cause the battles are multiple..or at least
the attacks are.. everything has to be done "right"
as this point or not at all.. )
toDay's
fortune cooKie
"lets
find tHose eVil dudes and sMoke em' out..."
misunderstood
on mon. wHen listening to president bush.
aNNouncements
& neW sTuff goin' on...
-
new hours for reX.'s realiTy! ..tues
- weD. fRi 7-9pm PT @ .radio.gaycams.org
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . .
de-constRuction...
d.1
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8:50 am
------
got up wHay early and alot more easier this morn..
even though im still a little achy.. wHat's really getting
to me is the coughing.. i cant breathe right .. from
coughing so much.. but i hear that alot of folks have
this right now.. so that makes me feel better.. not
that they have it.. but that this is a shared thing..
and not something about my health that is de-constructing
as well.. i can feel myself getting better.. but it's
just taking longer.. and still need to push myself to
keep going..
tHis morning i have to call more laWyers.. and then
make investigations for some kind of medical setup for
myself.. i plan on getting tested again.. and checking
out the different HIV medical assistant programs they
have here in sf.. sf is a great resource..
talked to moM. for a bit .. durring my afternoon fevers..
as well as jack.. umm.. gRegory should i call him now..
so appropriate for him.. to pop up .. at this time..
am going to start packing up the caSa the next couple
days and moVe my stuff and kiTTs to my moM.s for a stay..
get those things saFe.. we plan on driving up sometime
on sAturday..
im already having talks with the kitts about preparing
to be strong .. it hurts so much to think of them leaving
thier home.. the next couple days is gonna be strange..
i wish i could have just one day with the kitts to enjoy
the casa.. without me being sic. .. but those days are
behind us for now.. we are changing..
gotta go make some calls now .. and eliZa needs some
attention sHe's sayin..
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10:03 am
------
oPeration - "iNfinate justiCe" begins
called New college and haD a long conversation about
my case today.. some good stuFF.. some bad stuFF.. but
still am in a situation wHere aggressive representation
would best help.
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11:00 am
------
caN't sTart
my news hour on radio gaycams.. cause this sTupid computer
is asking me to cHange my password.. wHat's my password?
.. geNe? ..
tHanks bud!
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11:15 am
------
fiNally sTarted
my "tHe reX. booth neWs hour" ..
you can hear
it by downloading somesort of app to play mp3's.. real-player,
winamp - real-audio, quicktime.. should all be able
too..
hear tHe
reX. booth neWs hour! noW
get some
neWs on reX. plus some queer news around the world..
it's not
a neWs hour unless we ramble a bit.. heh! .. so take
a listen and get more info on wHat's goin on with me..
if you cant hear the live broadcasts..
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2:20 pm
------
left some
messages for laWyers.. cleaned up kiTchen quite a bit..
it wHas getting bad.. and one of the best wHays to gauge
how sic i am is to clean up the caSa a bit.. plus i
can sTart packing all the stuff on the waLLs tonite...
i get good
brainstorms from cleaning too.. im thinking a wHay of
how i can stay in sf .. so that i can take advantage
of the health clinics here in sf.. having a room that
im here part time would help.. and keep residencity..
i have a couple ideas about that .. but not gonna jinx
it.. :)
if anybody
knows of cheap rent for a room here in sf.. please give
me a sHout! ..
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4:31 pm
------
wHay past
4:20 time! .. and tHink i will! praise some b u d d
a as cHris and I used to call it..
click - cRackle
- inhale - wHoooosh! ..
cough! ..
heh!
im feeling
cHris and the wHay his mouth would tast afterwards -
if i wHas in the fortunate position to do so - so many
times I tortured myself as his "friend" and
imagined such tHings - right down to wondering if he
wHas all sWeaty down there - tHat place I used to sniff
out on hiM - cHris smelt and tasted wonderful - he had
"tHat" tastes and no matter how sWeaty he
got - it just tasted and sMelt better! . but he wHas
lebonese and dark - we wondered for years wHat he wHas
before he really found out - and i remember fantisiizing
tHat he wHas many a dark skin heritage bRo.. italian
- latin - black - indian - both native and middle eastern
- i got to try out quite a bit with hiM. - he's lucky
I never put a turbon on hiM!~ heh! but i never know!
.. I may have a cHance yet! .. - liFe is tRippy and
eVen more interesting with some history and eX.periences
along with it..
i miss you
cHris! i wHanna pick up the phone and call you so bad!
tell u about
wHat's happened - wHere i'm goin'.. cause im just findin'
out.
i haVent
sPoke to you sinCe aRound end of may .. so sTressed
then
a sTupid
"bRother" fight we had on the pHOne - and
again - i sang my "humour" to what i thought
would rectify wHat happened and get us to a different
percpective - wHere we could realize we were being silly-
but this
time you didnt laugh at my joKe...
i fRoze -
tHis hadnt happened to us in years!
dRop the
busy sHit! .. and "talk" to me ...
and noW -
i wish i would have- knowing more now of course - but
i wHas afriad cHris ...afRiad of wHat wHas happening
around me - and how i acted - tHat victem again!
you know
hiM. well... not only did he bug me - but he bugged
you - i know - i cant "pretend" anymore in
fRont of you cHris - you of all the tRibe have accepted
those things that no-one else will know or eX.perience
- or if they do - you are the confidant bouncing board
- you get the raw ingrediants with me.. and we have
helped each other so much in the last few years with
wHat to do with theM - those raw ingredients - hoW we
put things in place.. and how we see ourselffs.. how
we love and love our lifes..
you read
me very well - i wHas aftriad of you pulling that out
- cause i t couldnt last very long with me hiding this
from you-
maybe you
know already - perhaps told by a dReam - or vision -
or passing thought or maybe wHen you took your med's
one time you might think .. "hmmmmm... wHy am i
tHinking of michael right now?" .. what has he
done now? ..
or maybe
that wHas at first - now maybe you are just oVer this
"worn" out part of me.. that old role.. so
am i..
liKe my moM.
- i pull back cause she can read me too easy.. if im
read and i dont want to - then of course withdrawl -
you know tHIs of me.. like my kitts and cats - wHen
they are wounded.. sic.. or close to dying .. they hide..
they find a little secret nest for themselfs.
i had to
be alone with this first - somehow - and tHen everything
came all at once- I wHas seen gloin underwater again-
tHis time dRownin'..
but dude
- with all this under H2O biZ -
I have learned
to breathe and survive underwater now- !
not that
this is wHere im stayin' but at least I aint tHat floatin'
victem (remember the drowned sHelly winter's in "night
of the hunTer"?) listless under the waterwaves..
creepy!
tHat aint
me.. nope
cReated a
whole new wHay to deal with being "underwater"
I cHange..
evolve.. let the natural tHing just happen instead of
fighting it.. it's not giving in.. it's .. accepting
what is there..
i tHink i
could not describe the cHange i knew wHas coming- and
part of wHy i have been silent with you.. but i'm learning
to sWim and starting to moVe in "directions"
instead of being fRozen.. or dRowning..
i sTill wonder
wHy i havent called you?
wHat am i
afriad of? .. will really talking about tHis with you
be that bad? .. no! .. quite the opposite actually..
but i wHas
ALWAYS afriad of certain "fates" for us -
and sCares me still to know - yah this is our "tHirtys"
- and teh realities of liFe tHat have effected us -
I always wanted you.. more.. wanted to protect you..
wanted you "protected" .. or "sPecial"
.. cause you were kinda of mine.. in a wHay.. and i
wHas always yours..
sPecial you
are now to me.. moRe and more .. as i miss and yearn
my best fRiend.. my confidant.. it sCares me that my
protection cant protect you fRom some of tHOse realities
- makes me smehow feel like i failed - and tHen wHen
i found out I wHas pos - it made me feel eVen more disapointed
- or that i failed a mission
i haVe always
used my "neg" status as magic and protection
for those i loVed - being neg meant i could keep others
safe as well.. wierd.. maybe it happened to me first
but i didnt know? ..
ahhhh! ..
see wHere my pathetic mind goes cHris? i need you again
cHris.. i am going to call you once i have long distance
again - of coursea collect call from someone you havent
heard sHIt from is very like me! .. heh! .. but no!
just know cHris - i'm goin' to reach out soon - goin'
to make through tHese cHanges.. just as you have been
doin'.. going through yours.. and know i need to start
being there.. to help with those...
i may haVe
been gone for aWhile but i neVer will disapear completly
on you.. you know to really make sure im dead.. if you
are invited to my funeral.. heh! .. cause i probably
aint.. been so hitchcocked up .. and know tHe POWER
.. of a dead body.. and wHat it can do..heh! .. course
i wont know till im there.. but im guessin'..
i want to
make you laugh again.. we will always be connected cHris..
i loVe you..
------
5:34pm
oH my goD!.
now they predict 6,333 presumed dead from last tues
fall of the world trade towers toatl with pasangers
on flights 6,763 or something like that - that is SO
many souls~! . no wonder eVeryone is kinda sCared -
we knew those numbers were gonna be hight with the potencial
traffiffic that goes thorugh the towers everyday.. mom
said close to 100,000.
i wonder
wHat the president will say and tHe new directon we
must take - tonites the nite! .. the world is watching
and ready to moVe on .. to justify this horrific thing!
. if it eVer could be..
wHat's our
life gonna be like now?
how will
it cHange?
and wHat
are we gonna do to suRvive?
(note: buy
baking soda)
------
5:43PM
GooD. luC.
! . found a kitt claw outside of my BR in the Hall!
------
8:00pm
------
hopped on
uneX.pected.. even for myself tonite..for :
reX.'s
realiTy - a mini one!
since i wHas
fillin' in for eRic anyhew.. (get yourself something
to play an mp3 to get dosed with my realiTy and listen
to this file - check out my schedule at radio.gaycams.org
for wHen im live and other shows)
