saT.urday
auGust 31st, 2002
Make
informed choices instead of leaving it all to luck.
By now, you probably recognize the patterns that lead
to success or the stepping stones lying just beneath
the surface of the water. Despite these basic certainties,
however, there's still so much that could go wrong.
Avoid borrowing and lending, especially when large
sums of money are involved. Don't breach your practice
or compromise your principles just because someone
says it will be fun. You're entitled to a good time,
but it has to be on your terms. Anything else just
wouldn't feel right to you.
(...honestly
.. im sometimes tossed inbetween knowing wHat's right..
and then lost again... and good times?.. on my terms?
.. hah! .. i wouldnt even hang out with myself if
i had the cHance.. im such a downer these days.. luck
wont work right now.. it's all about making right
choices and listening to what is inside and around
me... )
1:28
pM
gigi's cafe, sLo-town
so,
.. it's been a month since i first saw my doc here in
sLo-town...
...
and got my labs and medical records transfered.. i did
really well with the last lab results that i had done
in sf.. about the beginning of juN.e
my virus
load went down to about 18,000 from 23,000 and my t-cells
went up to 610 from 545. so all is well now with my
numbers.. in about the 3/4 of this last year that i
have been getting my numbers.. i have stayed pretty
consistant.. and havent lost any t-cells which is great
cause usaully someone that doesnt take anti-hiv meds
will lose on an adverage of 50 t-cells a year.... i
havent lost any- (kNock on wood).. and because my t-cells
are in a healthy range and viral load is at a low number
i dont hve to take any meds.
this is a
very good thing and is my long-term goal .. keeping
my numbers in cHeck .. so i can stay off the meDs..
so far.. so gooD.
i have some
new lab results coming to me on weD. wHen i see my doc
again.. eVen thought they use a different test here
than they do in sf and will eX.pect to do some calculations
to figure out my number adverage with the other past
results.. i never the less hope for continual positive
results from my positive cells.
i
have two referals now that i need to call for therapy..
i would like to check them out next week.. but am not
sHUre if i am gong to be able.. i need to get to baKo..
and visit moM. and help her out.. sHe's needing me to
clean out the sPare room and the gaRage..
moM.'s having
finacial problems keeping up with her health eX.penses
and the house payments. last week wHen i talked with
her she wHas very upset.. sHe said that she will probably
have to put the house up for saLe... in the meantime
she would try and get a roomate to help with eX.penses..
i felt so
helpless... wanting to help moM.. but not being able
to the wHay i would like because im barely starting
to re-cover from losing my home and beginning over once
again.. im not yet in the position for some of the things
she needs.. but hold a strong position with support
and giving her strength and being able to give her anything
i can to help.. sHe knows she is not alone.. and i will
be there for her.. hopefully sHe will be able to get
a roomate and hold off the saLe of her home until i
can get a stable income and will be able to help her
out..
it
means so much to me to have her keep her hoMe.. losing
mine last year hurt deep and brings up some very fragile
beat-up feelings.. i know how my moM. is feeling.. and
dont want her to be scared.. i am scaRed myself and
feel trapped.
i have no
wHay of even getting there right now.. daWn is wHay
too busy to drive me and dont yet have money for transportation..
mann.. this sucks! .. i dont know what to do besides
moving forwards with my plans and building confidence
in my life again.. i have dReams again.. ambitions..
and sCared of trying sometimes anymore.. but with my
moM. in need.. it gives me a boost of "keepin'
it together" .. and pulling the sTrength i need
to start my new liFe.. i truely believe that the universe
will give me what i really need .. wHen i need it..
if i keep my faith.. working on my beliefs and continue
to heal and do tHe right thing..
...and i
know wHat the right thing is..
