reX.'s
raMbles! . . .
fRi.day.
jaN. 11th 2001
G
R E E T I N G S Sagittarius
You
can't have everything, right? Nevertheless, right
now it seems that love and money are so closely entwined
that kisses are turning into dollars almost immediately.
Make sure that you are giving and not just receiving
into both arenas. The prosperity and the good luck
will continue if you treat the matters carefully and
do plenty of giving, receiving, planning and empathizing.
And this is also a great time to build up a close
relationship. It could start to bloom into something
wonderful!
---------------------------------
Problems
are usually camouflaged solutions.
365
reaSons for a parTy!
- aNNiversary
of the meeting of the feD.eration of woMen's clubs..
(card deck sales went up the neXt few years..!)..
- reX. riDe.s
baCk to moM. and kiTTs.. !
- reX. and
".iT" sign a liFetime leaSe!
...
a liFetime leaSe with ".iT"
5:55 pm
i
haVe about an houR and a half on the tRacks.. till i
reach bakersfield ...
i canT wait
to see my moM. and my kiTTs ... eVen though i just left
weD. nite... it seems like i have been gone from them
forever.. this tRip and this step wHas definately a
hard one with some things being very tough to swallow
and other things counted as blessings and learning /
gRowing margins... it seeMs. eVerytime i come back now
.. i am getting further with my iNNer healing and one
step closer to getting my liFe back on tRack again
(tRain whistles
it's appRoval) ..
eVen though
it wHas tough.. iM.' really very happy about this trip..
the things i accomplished and the un-eX.pected "giFts"
that i recieved. noT only did i get an idea of wHere
i am healthwise but i also confirmed quite a bit of
my feelings that have sent me on uncompfortable polar
mind fuc.s.. tHat's what i called them when i eX.plained
them to eD. , the social worker wHo spent two hours
being an eaR for me.. and hoW i am feeling.. mostly
about ..
".iT"...
he understood
about ".iT" .. and how it's more than just
having HIV.. he has heaRd about ".iT" before..
fRom many and could just tell by looking in his eyes
that many a scared person has sat in the same cHair
as i and told hiM. about those fears.. i wondered later..
as i walked the sf sTreets after spilling my inner demons
to hiM. ... how he ended up being a soCial worker, ..
somehow i believe that he also sHares my passion to
be a humanitarian and and healer..
and.. it's
gonna be my passion to be a humanitarian and a healer..
tHat will first require them to be focused on me. i
have quite a bit of healing to do and to do .. so ..
i am sonna have to be compassionate to myself.. first
and foremost.. aS. i talked to eD. about ".iT"
.. and how it made me disgusted and sick with myself
and how it has cReeped up on me and suRficed it.self
in many wHays in the last couple of years.. we discussed
how ".iT" developed.. and came to be..
alot of sHIt
has gone down with me and my liFe in the last couple
of years.. i forget eX.actly wHat eD. called the term..
but it had to do with very high sTressed eVents that
happen in our life.. that cause us to go through differeent
pHases until we accept it .. and moVe on .. it's not
to say that we go back to our "noRmal" life
..cause some of these high sTressed eVent have such
an impact that sometimes .. they mutate our liFes..
they did miNe.. to a point wHere my body and soul aRe
sCreaming..
"wHere
am i? " .. "wHere did my liFe go? " ..
!!!
wHat happened?
..
going through
some of those high stressed eVents showed me that my
life has been hit with seVeral of these in a short amount
of time.. one after the other.. so suddenly occuring
right after each other that i havent been given the
time needed to fully process them.. deal with them ..
accept and rearrange my life accordingly so that i could
go on.. and reconize my own life an feel some sort of
control with where it is going.. it's really good for
confidence to know that you can mutate your oWn life
in a wHay that you want it directed.. rather than think
that life just "delivers" to you and you must
take it..
i havnt felt
in control.. that is so apparent.. with the wHay im
feeling about ".iT" and why ".iT"
eVen came to be..
so wHat happened?
.. well in the last couple years..
- almost
lost my moM.
- eP.s died
- being raPed.
- being layed
off from work
- getting
physically sick and giving in to a huge depression and
withdRawl
- finding
out i am HIV poZ.
- fighting
for my hoMe and losing it..
- re-locating
away from my life and home in sf.
all of it..
all of this
has becoMe MY ".iT" .. and am realizing that
".iT" is not going aWay.. it's here to stay..
cause these things are facts in my liFe .. and without
reconizing them i cant begin to understand what ".iT"
is .. and wHere my liFe .. went.. i also need to break
it down and analyze the make-up of ".iT"..
so that i can sTart healing and accepting and making
changes to my mutated liFe.. by tackling individual
components .. i dont have to tackle all of ".iT"
.. cause it holds too many cards to go against the whole
hand.. i can start dealing with ".iT" .. hand
by hand.. reading it's faCe... knowing it.. by indentifyin'
and definin' the individual components and dealing with
each one.. not as a "wHole" .. but individually.
".iT"
has too much power over me with all those things in
it's court and like in realiTy and what has progressed
in my liFe and has influenced it so much .. i cant deal
with them all at once .. if i could deal with all of
them i would have in the last couple years as they were..
happening .. how the hell could i think i could deal
with all of them now? !. ? ! .
but reconizing
them is gooD.. aNother sTep.. maybe they are not all
dealt with all together now.. but knowing wHat im up
against.. is empowering to have the knowlege of why
i feel the why i do and where my life went and what
i need to do to bring some control over it again and
make it mine..
make ".iT"
mine!
it is.. i
own it.. i may not have purposely created all the elements
that cReated ".iT" . but since ".iT"
wHas created from these high stress factors that mutated
my liFe.. i will own ".iT" .. as i oWn my
liFe...
so.. i know
about ".iT" now.. im recconizing it.. learning
about it.. stalking it now.. as it stalked me and made
me feel aWkward..
i need to
know why it's now in my liFe.. how it likes to "mindfuc."
me.. and keep me blind from it's make-up... but i am
wiSe to ".iT" and iM. letting ".iT"
know that .. and eVen if i just cant eX.tinguish.. ".iT"
.. from my liFe.. because ".iT" .. is my liFe
.. i will learn how to liVe with ".iT" ..
and how to deal with ".iT"'s seperate components..
".iT"
aint goin' away..
and niether
will i..
".iT"
will have to understand that it cant survive without
me.. and i will come to terms that ".iT" has
now been implanted in my liFe.. just as those other
high sTress things have..
".iT"
and i will have to nogociate.. come to terms and define
and compromise how we are gonna live togther and suRvive..
im laying
down some "houSe rules" .. i have been here
longer... heh! ..
".iT"
and i have a liFetime together..
and a liFetime
can go sooooo quick..
we better
make the best of ".iT" ..
----------------------------------
8:06 pm
tHe
elements of hoMe are eVerywhere..
i am hoMe
with my kiTTs and moM.
...
i leFt my
blondebRaincellssss...
in saaaaaN..
fRancisssscoooo..
