saTur.day - maR.ch 20th, 2004 Your demands are loud but not altogether convincing. So-called articles of faith read like something clipped from a magazine. The letter of the law doesn't even come close to spelling out the passion that drives extreme behavior. Going through the motions is no substitute, but once you get the feeling, you're a changed person. There's no stopping you when you finally know in your gut what you want. Each tick of the clock brings that moment closer. Find lost items and get your house in order so that you won't have to worry once there are better things to do. "tiMe to take out the tRash!" fiRst day of sPring and i am mourning the fall from the tHrone of our beloved home-misTress... maRtha sTewert... on my tHrone... at home... i leafed through the very first magazine i bought when i moved out here to cHicago.. "martha sTewert Living" March - 2003 issue... my heart and bowels moved... and i thought.. "mann.. everything's going down the toilet for her... iM gonna miss maRtha..." (flush!) i bought the maRtha mag cause it reminded me of my eX.boyfriend.. fRanke.. aka: iTalian #2... and his marval for maRtha... his eX.citement as he soaked up the articles... i didnt understand at first.. and one time i found some of the pages of his home-maker mag stuck together and confronted him.. "so.. tell me fRanke... who is this maRtha?".. should i be threatened? i would have been more comfortable finding a "mandate" mag with stuck pages.. at least i could compete... well.. the home-made decorations that fRanke made that year for cHristmas made me understand his maRtha-passion .. tHey were beautiful .. and so was his artistic talent.. i opened up to maRtha for the very first time.. and how she envoked the home-maker in us.. and pushed us to perfect living.. maRtha sTewert.. what haVe you have done!? !... wHat's gonna happen babe? .. wHo's the new home-guru that will replace you in your perfect kiTchen? .. cause you know we have to have our apron wearing heRo's.. we cant get baked without them.. (lites dim.. to blackout.. we hear a bunch of people shouting: "GET BAKED!!!".. lites go up on reX. and paB.lo already in the kiTchen as audience applauses.. suspicious sMoke is waVed away...) reX. (coughs) : toDay on "get baKed! - with reX. & paB.lo" we will prepare a recipe that is DEAR to me in many wHays.. i call it.. "mmmmmm.. gRandma's peanut-butter cookies" soMething from my cHildhood that i KNOW you will enjoy.. as i did.. when my gRandma would make them for the family.. we start by pre-heating the oven to 375 degrees... reX.tip: always check the pilot lites to make sHure they are burning and not just gassin' the place.. a good wHay to test a gassy kiTchen is by lighting a cigarette and if you dont blow up.. inhale that cig deep and long and take a moment to think about how life is really a "good thing". neX.t.. paB.lo gets all our ingredients together... 1/2 cup peanut butter 1/2 cup butter 1/2 cup white sugar 1/2 cup brown sugar 1 egg well beaten 1 1/4 cup flour 3/4 tsp. soda 1/2 tsp. baking powder 1/4 tsp. salt 1/2 tsp. vanilla (opps.. i dont have vanilla!) reX.tip: if you dont have vanilla.. like me.. (you are soooo fiRed paB.lo!!!) .. do what i do.. don't lose your cool.. take a hit.. and just add cinnimon! .. cream butter and peanut butter in a medium to large bowl reX.tip: I like to use the "pyreX." bowls just as my gRandma did. (sNoty sMirk) Hey K-mart.. can we make a deal on these bowls? and if you didnt.. (sColding sTare!) make shure to cut up the butter before trying to cream with peanut butter.. it will make your effort to cReam a lot less strenuous... and give you cReamier cReam.. mmmm... (pause for condescending insincere sMile..) neXt.. add suGars.. and cReam again.. (hands bowl to paB.lo to show how he cReams for us... ) once you have a well established cReamy mixture... like paB.lo has provided for us.. add a well beaten egg.. (paB.lo beats his egg) add all dry ingredients and sift together.. as you are doing this.. let this be your metaphor... (pause for a dRy "what did i mean by that?" maRtha-moment) now.. form into paB.lo walnut sized balls... (paB.lo giggles) place balls caRefully on ungReased... (dissapointed... paB.lo sets down the cRisco) cookie sHeet.. reX.tip: don't confuse a cookie sHeet with a rubber sHeet.. they are two completly different things.. believe me.. i know! we had to do a whole show on the clean-up! now comes the fun part that i enjoyed thouroughly as a child when gRandma would make these delicious cookies.. take a fork .. dip it in flour.. so you have a floured fork... (paB.lo giggles again) and make hashmarks as you flatten the balls.. (aiee! mia! paB.lo protects his cRotch!) neXt.. my faVorite part of the show... we get baKed!!! .. well.. the cookies get baked in the pre-heated oven at 375 degrees for 12 minutes.. or just enough time for a quickie with paB.lo... (paB.lo picks back up the cRisco..with a shit-eating grin) ...and if you are a kiTchen slut like me.. you sHould make out with about 4 dozen cute cooKies... (pause for "did i say something witty?" eYe-brow lift) .. and tHat.. is a good tHing.. neXt week on "geT baKed! with reX. & paB.lo" .. paB.lo shows reX how a papi properly tosses a saLad... laTino-sYle! till tHen .. "sTaaaaaayyyyy... baKeeeeed! .. " (lites go down... flash to tampon comercial)   soMe of us will really miss you maR.tha..

...baCk...