I could go back
to sleep.. Am so tired But my dreams last night were disturbing..
Haunting me this morning.. Filling my head with a mucky
feeling...
an uneasy feeling
about my life in Chicago I woke up with the feeling of fleeing
Chicago..running away..
Somehow in my
dream.. i wHas betrayed.. Lied to.. And dishonored..
Anxiety?
yes. definitely..
And even though
I can't grasp the details of my dreams.. They scare me this
morning with lingering dread about my life..
I'm not being
honest about something or a feeling I'm ignoring .. maybe
because I long to be that person I wHas.. Trying to get
back old feeling .. attitudes.. But in reality I know I
can never go back. I can only move forward.
I'm scared.
Scared of what
is happening. Scared of what's happened. What will happen..
My insecurities
overwhelm and sometimes just to survive the "now"
I must shut down. I've been shutting down for years now.
The deconstruction of the life I knew is till upon me even
though now I'm in the process of reconstitution.
Sometimes I'm
hit with the hard reality of the situation I'm in. No longer
able to push back and avoid those feelings of inadequacy
.. not being worthy .. and a joke in the eyes of myself
and others..
My perception
projects the failed attempt at life and the dreams and ambitions
I once had and am now trying to regain the confidence to
move ahead and reestablish my dreams.. Ambitions...my desires..
And mostly my passions..
Why were those
feeling so intense with those dreams last night?
is it because
I'm finally realizing my situation or wHas it just fear
based? My insecurities coming up and fucking with my spirit?
I've faced many
fears in the last couple of years living in Chicago... I
must give myself a huge amount of credit of the work I have
done there to go ahead and move forward. And maybe that
is it.. I'm still afraid to leave what I wHas and evolve
Invoking my passions now is risky.. It means taking a chance
on myself and the dreams I'm establishing now. I'm starting
to plan ahead and see a future that I want.
Maybe the fear
has gone to a new level now that I'm taking risks again?
And that fear surfacing in last nights dream.. wHas a dream
of rejection.. Based on my fear of how people perceive me
along with the perception of myself.
I wish I can
shake this uncomfortable feeling I have from it.. And understand
it better or be able to process it .. but instead it lingers
and brings up fear..
My fear of going
out in the world and taking the chance.. because if my life
really wHas that dream.. I don't have a chance.. I am a
joke.. And am stuck in a world that I fear and isolated
with my feelings of rejection.. And the wish to backwards
instead of moving ahead.
