good mornin'..
and it is.. finally.. a good mornin'..
tHings are getting back in place..
a balance is being felt..
and it ain't the doPe my bud.. ! heh! ..
it's true feelings.. it's how i feel inside.. today..
and today is all i need.. cause already .. today is a ..
good mornin'..
might be a good time to say i stopped my tHerapy.. well.. I.. didnt stop it.. my therapist and i both agreed it wHas time.. after a year and a half of meetings that i had learned the tools i needed to be on my own.. which means.. that i learned .. im not alone.. that wHas part of the tools i recieved from the year and half..
so much more has happened in that therapy.. we discovered my anXiety and from which i suffered.. and how it impacted my life.. and how what tools i needed to get to be able to combat them.. or in some cases .. give in to them and let them be..
there were thoughts.. memories.. dreams.. loves.. that i denied.. that i hid.. from the hurt i wHas going through.. i had to protect those saCred things.. especially had to hide them out durring the time i wHas most destructive to myself..
but i have not been whole.. without those qualities and part of my life.. and after time.. i started to feel that i wHas losing those things.. more losses..
tHat became my tHeme..
loss..
how would i deal with more losses..
originally that wHas why i went to tHerapy.. to start to deal with losses.. but then discovered what i wHas losing.. those dreams.. thoughts.. memories.. and love..
terrafyin'.. to think that those things would not be in your future.. a prison self-made..
so yah.. you have to sink low sometimes.. to see how low you can go.. and a different perspective to see how high you actually can go..
had a great talk with my old friend cHris the other nite.. and said something about growing up.. and how we deal with these things is how we grow up.. sometimes.. to evolve takes a hard hit.. deep in the soul.. and when something goes so deep.. there is an oppurtunity for growth.. and evolution.. it's up to us to nuture that growth in a direction that will help us evolve..
there is the rational thinking and then there is the heart.. where the soul lives.. and gives us that "voice" .. that tells us how we really feel.. we must listen.. but also we must make that voice the true voice.. the voice from our soul.. that will see beyond.. and make us whole..
sometimes that voice is confused.. and needs guidence.. confromation that we are on the right path.. whatever may come.. that we will evolve..
so .. yah..
been also busy working on a relationship.. or should i say .. giving in to one.. the past year and a half has also been a work in progress with tY..
recently we realized tHat we have been lovers for over a year and a half.. over that time we have become quite intimate.. friends.. and once we knew that we wanted to become friends.. we knew.. that there wHas something special..
it feels good to have someone think of you that wHay..
special..
and i know i am.. im special to quite a few people.. and have forgotten how important i am to them..
but now it makes me feel worthy..
oh.. that word! ..
worthy..
self-worth..
the talks i had with the therapist about that one! .. oh mann! ..heh! ..
the other day i talked about 15 years.. past.. and future..
now im looking at
a year and a half..
and where that's taken me..
my future..
another life.. another path..
several.. again in front of me..
and as my fortune cookie said the other nite..
"tHe beSt profit of the future is the past"
