9:39am / Chicago
yah.. again.. i took a long break.. from my raMb.les..
i have been meaning to write.. but i had to be sHure i wHas ready.. i guess now as i start..
i am..
'summer is almost over'
don't you hate hearing that? .. wHen we still have summer upon us? .. summer aint over.. and the fall.. will come when it comes..
right now there is so much going on..
finally..
some of the passion has returned.. and so i return again to myself.. maybe a little different.. but certain things are getting lit again.. and im feeling a little better..
lawrence's death disturbed me greatly..
as loss is one of my biggest challenges here in my life..
it wHas a 'dark' winter.. very dark..
depressing..
alone
sad...
all those feelings that come with loss
and the loss didn't end..
i lost siMon...
and then miChael...
life drove it in.. and made it very hard for me..
the inner shaman kicked in...
went crazy..
wild
beasty...
i wasn't on this side.. or the other..
i was in purgatory..
my own shakles of suffering..
and punishment..
for not accepting yet the only truth we all know as humans...
we will die..
all of us..
and everyone we know..
and i can't fight it anymore..
cause i get so desperate when i do..
and that's when the suffering really happens..
my struggle against death and the truth..
that's when i can't live.. for the now..
i get trapped.. by the past and can't move on..
but i know i will ..
i live..
for now..
and if i live..
shouldn't i move forward? ..
isn't that what my loss has taught me? ..
it's for those people that i lose in my life that have taught me to move forward.. always remembering what they mean to me.. and bring them along with me..
ahhh..
death..
the beauty i see now.. the whole completed .. but maybe almost just begun..
we don't know what happens after we die..
i just know there's a connection somewhere in my soul here and now as i live with those that don't ..
therefore.. they live through me..
and that helps.. a bit..
i still cry..
but im also laughing as well.. and remembering what LT would say to me.. or michael and his offbeat style..
they were my friends out here in chicago..
i had started my tribe..
and feel like my tribe has already taken a beating..
yes.. but also a huge lesson.. in life..
in loving..
in letting go...
and going foward again...
