All is well,
I guess. In a way it is, sort of. I have a job, I have
a place to stay and call "home", friends who
care about me. Lisa and Lorna will be up here soon. Mike
the Lesbian and Ethen are thinking of moving here soon.
Good, but bad. Good that I will know people here, but
bad that they are moving her. I want them all to stay
in SLO. In case I want to move back.
My whole life
is a double edged sword. I am so homesick for SLO, my
god! That is pretty sad. I have no idea who I am here
in San Francisco. I have to find a whole new identity
again. I took me eighteen years to finally find who I
was in SLO. Now to start from scratch all over again.
Sad.
Maybe there
is something for me here. But it looks doubtful. I should
feel fortunate that I live on my own. No fallbacks. Very
scary. But I feel it prepares me for worse things in the
future. It is very hard to adapt. For Sharol too. She
has so much more to go home to. More reason. I feel unwanted
sometimes. My insecurities, I guess.
Today I was
going to Style Magazine to try to get in the Fashion Show
at DV8. I drove my car downtown, couldn't get parking,
Blew it kid! Blew it!
Sometimes I
feel so attractive, other times I feel like dirt. I have
potential. I am not disciplined enough, though.
Someday I might
find something I like. I give myself until the age of
Twenty-one. If I am not something fantastic and meaningful,
I swear I will kill myself. When I get there, I will know,
because everyone will follow my orders. Obey! I will not
be poor, any longer. I promise! I need to start school,
get educated. I feel ignorant, because I am, damn it!
So Long,
for now....
- Dane
