8:30
pm
I wrote
this almost two years ago to Chris.
I'm going to give him the original, but I wanted to
have a copy for myself. It reminds me of many things
that I should be aware of at all times. This letter
still has truth
......
I would like
to first state; I love you.
Meaningless
words?
In some cases
it is over used.
In this case,
no.
No truer
words express my feelings toward you.
To be honest
with you, Chris,
I have had the feeling lately that our relationship
is slipping through my fingers as would sand.
This makes
me very sad. I have a habit of hanging on the the past,
when I should be looking closely at what is present.
For now,
you are not in my everyday life. I am unhappy with the
three to four visits I have with you a year. I would
rather share my life with you, and with that, you would
share yours with me.
I hate to
use the words " I miss you" because they are
overused. I do not know why "I miss you" is
overused; it seems it expresses so much of what is real.
(I am really
trying to communicate with you, Chris on the most honest
level I can afford)
I wish somehow
you could look at my thoughts and to notice how I perceive
events. My perceptions see somewhat bizarre to me. I
cannot always wholly express what is inside. I am trying
to be as human as possible. Letting down the images
and my pride. I am trying to clear myself of all impurities
that have accumulated durring my lifetime.
This task
is not easy.
Many of my
natural defenses must be broken through. I must somehow
communicate to myself with all honesty. A positive view
of myself worth must be constructed. There are priorities
that must be recognized and worked on. Somewhere I know
what makes me happy.
You are part
of me, Chris. I recognize the love and friendship. I
know I have a dependency on you. You bring me happiness,
so why not be dependent on you? You have been one necessary
outlet of my life, that has constructed who I am today.
I am afraid
because it seems to be turning into memory. I still,
very much, have use of you in my life presently. I feel
I have so much more to share with you. I would like
to be relevant in your life.
Like you,
I have experienced fallen relationships, or those that
have faded with time or distance. I feel that there
is growth and learning when a relationship dissolves.
I also feel the greater stimulus when a relationship
is existent and growing.
Like all
relationships, problems erupt. We have worked through
them thus far. True for me, resentment is unsettled
in my mind. I hope to break through and settle them.
I want to
resolve with you, Chris. I would like to come to you
for support and give support to you as well. I may disagree
with some aspects or opinions that you may hold; but
I would like you to feel that you can express them to
me and know that I will respect the decisions you make
in life.
And also
know that I will support you and be a strong hold that
you can grasp on to. With understanding, respect, support,
etc... we can help each other open doors that will expose
a light to the dark cells of our minds.
I would like
to work together in solving each others problems, or
those that exist between us.
Can you imagine
Chris? ... Total openness and security!?!?
We can exist
together. It is not too late to turn to each other.
You are inside
of me. You give me growth.
I... love
you.
.........
This letter
brings back so many memories and feelings about Chris.
I love him, I always will. He is a big part of my life
. I share my home with him. I am open to him. I hate
to say what I would do if he were torn from my life.
I must always realize that he is my best-friend.
Truly.
