Utah and
I are no longer.
It was very
sad last night. We talked at last and I feel more certain
now. He can't handle a relationship. I did not do anything
wrong, it's him that could not go on. We had no pressure
while we were going out and that was fine for awhile
, but we never defined our relationship and that was
the cause of our miscommunication.
About three
or more weeks ago (around his birthday) he knew that
he couldn't be in a relationship. I must remind myself
that I didn't do anything to make him feel that way.
It was a
somber evening. I only ate one bite of my meal. I tried
so hard not to cry. When we said good-bye, it was like
a movie. We hugged at the corner of Castro and 18th,
then I started to cry. I told him if he needed me, to
call. I also told him earlier that I hoped that he could
work out his problems and that someday he could be in
a relationship with someone. I know it won't be with
me, but he deserves to be free of whatever is holding
him back. He is a good person.
Learn and
grow, Michael. Let go, change with this, don't let it
bring you down. There are so many things that I need
to do. So much, I can focus my energy towards. I want
to quit smoking. I'll set a date for that. Nothing is
going on Thursday. I'll quit then, and by the time I
see my mom it'll be a week that I have stopped. Caffeine.
Coffee must be next, I'll limit myself to two or three
cups of coffee a day, and gradually stop. Swimming,
exercise, I want to start working out with the team
in the morning. I can't be on the team, but I can work
out with them and get into shape. I need to call Tenako
and talk to her about the times. Eating. I need to start
eating three meals a day. On a regular time schedule.
My eating patterns are so irregular. All these changes
will be good for me. They will take work, but the rewards
will be worth it.
There are
other people out there Michael, you are not alone, remember
that people love you. It still hurts but now you have
more insight.
Use it.
