1/14/2000 :

reX.s' rambles

feeling muCh better today mann.. wHew! ..

boye yesturday i sHure wHas grumpy.. and very eMotional.. well.. it's wierd .. eMotional to the state .. where you haVe been so eMotional that you sTart to not feel anYthing around you..

yesturday sTarted with me being really tiRed.. worn.. and a cup o coFFy wasnt goin' to cuRe it... too muCh on my minD .. and too much in fRont of me.. just maDe me want to sHut down..

but knoWing this .. and reconiZing wHat's happening.. you can somewHat control it... if you know your inthe dumps.. tHen you know theres a way out of it too.. sometimes by just going through the dumpy feeling for awhile and then getting rid of it by something that makes you sMile or laguh..

yesturday unfolded perfectly and helped me get back some control of my feelings..

uggggH! .. wRote some raW feelings here yesturday.. that triggered quite a bit in me.. i needed to get some of tHose harsh feelings out.. writing helps me.. and i get to look at how i feel.. what i go through.. .. the ramBles are for me.. to keep tRack of my liFe and it's emotions... tHe jiM. / reX. thing is pretty much draGGed through most of the bullshit it can.. we tRied talking.. but we canT.. so we sHouldnt.. and this is wHere silence.. and tiMe is gonna be helpful.. i wRote that letter for me.. not really for jiM. although i wHas addressing hiM..

it's got to be left behind .. cause he and i are boTh banGin' on brick walls here.. and gonna get hurt if we both continue.. i tHink both of us are wHay over it! .heh! .. yah..

i haVe so many other things that need the attention and eNergy... aNd the healing already had begun.... i think the bandage wHas just taken off a little too early.. ouCh for both ..

so the writing .. eVen though it didnt cHeer me up.. it gaVe me a wHay to vent my emotions.. raW.. ones.. and yah.. some emotions that not eVerybody says are right.. but eVerybody has experienced feelings like this.. at some point.. maybe you just dont see em' posted on some websiTE.. yeeeeks! .. i did feel like with eVery word i wHs writing... that i knew .. i would be in a different sTate soon... and it would help me get there..

after looking at the deMon i wHas faCing... i did get a paCkage from geNo! .. he sent me a birThday / xMas package full of gooDies.. an eXcellent tape that he maDe.. oh mann.. i enjoyed that sooooo much.. just whaT i needed.. thanks wonder tWin... see you tHis weekend! .. yeppers.. he's gonna be here tomma! .. canT wait! .. need some geNo time.. and also he seems to cHarge me with energy when we are together.. an energy tHat is very positve.. it's like he understands my mold.. i think cause we sHared it.. ! so.. lot's of funn this weekend mann.. for suRe.. need it! ..

also talked with sEan paTrick ! .. he gaVe me a call and we cHatted for awhile.. has been a very lonG time that i have talked to tHat yummy dude! .. wHas very eXcited to hear from him.. and he's gonna be on reX.'s ranTs for the wild weBcam wed show on febuary 4th! .. joy! .. it's gonna be a funn sHow that night with sean and reX. ranTin' aWay! .. watch out! .. heh! .. hope he thinks about coming out here soon.. would love to take it to "reality" with hiM. someday..

by this time.. i had started to come outta my funk a little .. at least i wHas talking to people..heh! ..

later during the day.. i wHas walking to my post office and passed an older sTreet lady with hardly any teeth wHo wHas smiling away.. and as i passed sHe said to me... "giVe me a biG sMile .. and it will make your niTe" .. hmmmm.. something sTruck me.. a warM feeling...and had a wonderous feeling .. like i had just been giVen a sign.. i turned at heR .. .. i gaVe her a huGe sMile.. and sHe just kept sMiling back nodin' her head... takin' in my smile..

it wHas a sigN.. and it did maKe my nite.. cause i tOOk that sMile.. and deCided to keep it on as long as i could.. i felt the funK disolving..

did the mR. roRk says: "sMiles .. eVeryone .. sMiles.. " on reX.'s ranTS last night dedicated to tHe sTreet laDy and her message... we talked about the poWer of sMiling and laughing.. and yah... i wHas told that my tone chanGed by the end of the sHow.. and i wHas truely laughing and sMiling alot with the message and conversations i haD. with eVeryone..

wHas weird.. wHen i did get jiM.'s reply.. i knEw he was going to call somehow.. and picked up the phone and held it.. theN wHen it ranG i juMped.. like i wHas in tHat moVie "sCream" with the scene with dRew barrymoRe.. i kNew wHat wHas coming.. the saGGie had done it again.. and again.. it wHas pointless talk beTween us.. we couldnt get on the same ground... we were both being destructive.. and wHay over it... i just caVed.. and sTopped trying... it's not the tiMe for us to talk..no wHay mann.. not the wHay we feel...

wHen i got off the pHone i cRied....tHat we couldnt connect in anywHay that would be consTructive... we are on opposite ends with no wHay of connection...and that buMs me mann.. wHen you do haVe feeling for the oTher person... the tears actually. felt gooD though.. .. felt like it wHas the laSt few tears i could possibly sQueeze out..over this situation ... they were tears tHat reminded me that i wHas putting tHings to rest.. and completely eXhausted me.. and i sLept heavy last night.. and woKe up this morning early with eNergy again.. i wasnt going back to tHat ugly spot i wHas in yesturday.. eVen though im wHay tired today.. im moRe at peace.. talked with my moM.. made her sMile.. and laugH.. and think tHat made me feel really good too...

well.. gotta go ruN and sTart reX.'s ranTS... tonite i am talking with cHristian de la huerTa about queer spirituality.. am very eXcited to talk with him about this tonight.. the spiriual reX. is hunGry! .. and wanTS to grow.. heal and learn...

reX.

baCk to reAliTy reX.