5.15.2000 :

reX.'s hoRRorsCope & mornin' yaWn!

The Libra Moon brings you good friends and carefree times. Where there was confusion, there is now clarity, and it feels liberating. Let the wind lift you off the ground and drop you where it will. The future is looking bright, and it makes you feel great. Every story seems to be an open book with a happy ending. When socializing, you might be the first one to arrive which makes you appear in charge. You are popular and everyone enjoys your company and laughs at your jokes. People that are close to you might see you through new eyes. Live and love and let yourself go!

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let myself go... ahhh... or go with the floW..

i have been trying to be very "liquid" tHese days... rolling with the cHanges in my life... the best i can..

it's not easy... and tHink im handling tHings alright.. but hate breaking down... i still feel worn.. and very vulnerable... i guess eVerything is the wHay it's supposed to be right now.. i cant wait to get out of this bLack hole though...

it's not like im always there.. though.. i will be fine.. walking to the liVing room to get something.. and then .. blam!... im on the floor crying like a 3 year old... this weekend it soaked in.. i yelled.. screamed.. and cried hard... i begged to go back just a couple months... just for a little bit.. please? ..

i just want to hold her.. kiss her.. i miss her kisses.. im an addict...

been trying to get things back to normal .. well as normal as can be... went out and met JNCo and blaKe both gaybc listeners and reX.cam watchers... saT nite.. geNe came over and they all met up here at the caSa for a bit .. and then went to One Embarcadero for dinner.. wHas a great feast! .. other people joined us .. it was a nite were people didnt know one another... and were meeting for the first time.. a collection of us .. about 9..

love situations like that .. cant help but be a "voice" ... cant sHut me up..heh! ..

afterwards... we walked down to the bay brigde with the party.. our dinner ended just as KFOG started thier show...

so maGical watching tHe fireworks silluated by the baY bridge... much better fireworks than the fourth of july .. and a much better time too.. the fourth is always foggy and you end up with blue and yellow haZe .. instead of real fireworks..

went home after the show.. didnt feel like tearin' it up ... goin' out.. maybe this wed or thurs i will go out... JNCo wants to go out and have some fun.. so maybe he will hang out on my show one of those nites.. and i will take him out...

got home .. and broke down... that's wHen i started yelling .. crying really hard.. it's like it wHas all held back.. even though it seems like i cry everyday.. this one.. felt like i really wHas realizing that she wasnt coming back... one month aniversary... how could time go by so fast.. i dont want her to faDe into the past... uggggh! .. i resent that time keeps going.. and still that again.. is wHat saves me..

time..

cHristian called right wHen i was sniffin' up those tears.. and said he wHas coming over... he wHas the perfect medicine... he came over and held me.. we made love all nite.. and kissed ... i love his lipps.. the wHay he holds me... his brown eyes ... warm and compfortable... and when he is inisde me .. i feel like it's not jsut seX. . it's another feeling.. it's like he's a part of me.. a part tHat has been missing... for a long time... im trying to be good about this .. not let me feelings get carried aWay. but he takes me right tHere mann... !...and it feels good right now... so im going with it...

cHris and i got to sleep in.. ahhhhh! .. till 10! .. yah! ..

we made love again... and i made coFFy and did sometHing that i loVe more than anyting else on sunday... we hung out.. listened to music.. talked.. played with the kitties..

tIme had sTopped... allowed me to be "at hoMe" .. to feel a "normal" .. in this very miXed up world im in right now...

he hung out till the afternoon.. and then i got entranced by "space invaders" .. ... it's such a good wHay to calm myself.. and got all the wHay to earth this time.. ! .. ahhh.. wHat neXt! ..heh! .

got the house all cleaned... removing the smells of ciggies.. and all the other stuff that i wont need anymore... so symbolic.. the cleaning... and nice to wake up the next morning with everything shinny.. and saying to me.. "mess me up! " ..heh! ..

goin' out today to get ePsilon's ashes today...

i dont know wHat to think of it... or wHat im goin' to do with them...

maybe it will help having them here.. and seeing it.. or maybe it will send me into a spiral... who knows... i dont thses days..

each day is different... new... and i guess that is a big lesson for me... and realizing that each second is new.. freash.. and meant to be fully liVed... to learn how to deal with the physical realationships in this life... we fight so much being spiritual beings... i gotta make my physical releationships better... and realize that i am a physical being as well as a spiritual one...

ahhh.... ramBle on reX. ...

xx

reX.

PS: ... if you havent heard "the virgin suiside" soundtrack by air.. go get it! .. it's been my "moVie" musiX all weekend! ..

baCk to reAliTy reX.