reX.'s
raMbles! . . .
fRi.daY.
noV. 23rd 2001
G
R E E T I N G S Sagittarius
You
can see the end of the tunnel, but you can't quite
get there. It isn't that you have no transportation,
it's that you can't seem to get up the courage or
energy to make it happen. Unfortunately, what you
want to do is limited by what you'd rather not do
when the Moon is in Pisces. Beware of squandering
an expensive resource, Sagittarius. If you must act
on a dare, know who is issuing this challenge, and
why they expect you to pass or fail.
(
i didNt like my hoRRoscope on the neW site that i
have been getting it.. and dont much like this one
eiTher from eGroups.. grrrrr! .. well.. not eVeryday
is a perfect one.. and looking at my limits tHat i
cReate with tHings that i dont want to do.. well..
damn!.. makes me sigh reaL loud and get up some courage
to settle this.. once and for all.. sooN.my weBtribe
will know.. eX.actely the situation.. as sooN. as
i get a gRip on it myself.. hows that for "cryptic"
.. heh! )
---------------------------------
- If you
wake up one day and feel like you are heading down the
wrong path, don't go back the way you came, make a new
course instead.
deX.terity
and eX.perience poinTs..
9:35 am
sLambook
post: noVember 23, 2001 12:31 pm
Hey, reX,
if we mail stuff to your p.o. box in SF, will it be
forwarded to you in Bakerstown? Like a card or something?
Also, how are you gettting along in that city? I know
its really different than being in SF, but you'll be
back when the time is right.
It must be
nice being around family again.
Happy Thanksgiving
to you and the kitts.
Kyle aka
Szel
------------------
hey! .. kYle!
gRegory is
pickin' up my mail.. so anything sent to the PMB box
in sf will be sent to me.. will use that as my address
to send tHings to until my subscription runs out.. tHen
think i will do PMB box here in baKo..
not planning
on moVin' back to sf sooN. if ever.. i dont know wHat
eX.actely is in my fuTure .. i neVer know .. so if i
do moVe back.. it will be suPrisin'..
faMily as
always is gooD . to be around.. healin' and enlightning
as i also sort out the boXes of my life i brought here
from sf.. i have the boXes of shit here.. that i collected
as a kiD.. it's very revealing.. and sometimes hurts
to see some stuff.. but i just pack it away until the
time comes wHen i can bring it back out.. or there is
a pLace for it..
oRder is
very important to me right now..
had a gReat
tHanksgiving .. but also wHas very emotional for me
.. i have alot to be tHankful for .. and alot reminders
of my situation and tHings that now have become just
memories..
i tHInk tHat's
why i collect so many things.. tHey each have a story
and remind me of certain times.. tHey speak to me ..
as if they had voices.. and they do .. mann.. they do..
hope you
had a good gobble day as well mann.. wHas tHinkin' alot
about my "thanksgivings" i haD. there in many
of my caSa.s and especially my first thanksgiving i
had in my last one.. the caSa de reX. with daVid my
lover .. his fRiend vasti.. maRina.. who helped us "martha
stewert" and cut the turkey.. with me.. and especially
the young tiny kiTTy who had just entered our inner
tRibe.. eliZa who begged.. and begged.. and BEGGED..
for more turkey.. (i think it's her faVorite holiday..
fooD. is key!) and my very missed ePsilon.. who ruled
my caSas eVer since i came to sf.. now in the wooD.s'
looking down at us.. leading me still to more adventures
but now as a sPiritual guide ..
usually at
this time i would be heading back home .. up to sf..
getting all teary eyed from cRossing the bRidge after
a long riDe on the tRain.. watching my city .. getting
larger as we cRossed the bay.. and that feeling of anticipation
to see my kiTTs and climbing the sTairs and hearing
them meoW behind the door.. as i shuffled my luggage..
and put that key of gold in the door and opened it to
my babies..
it wHas so
nice to have them near this year.. many of who i loved
where near.. some of them not.. and i cRied for them..
i felt very polar.. and kept myself very busy as to
not give in to the emotions that would pull me down
into a depression.. i think the holidays are gonna be
real hard on me this year.. birthday is neX.t .. then
comes cHristmas.. and finally the new year.. withen
a monThs time i am gonna feel quite a bit of different
emotions im sHure.. and am going to work hard on letting
some stuff out and learning to also control them ..
but am alreay hating the wHay cHristmas sounds this
year.. i hate to say that.. i wish i can just fast forWard..
but tHen i wont get my deX.terity and eX.perience points..
heh!
i will be
there soon enuff.. wHere? .. im gonna have to just let
the liFe record play on it's own sPeed.. and natural
progression.. and get there wHen i do.. for now im heRe..
and without my current polar feelings.. i will neVer
get there..
---------------------------------
1:05 pm
toNite
on reX.'s reaLity!
ho.. ho..
ho? .. or boo.. hoo.. hoo? .. eVer get dePressed durrin
the holidays? .. you aint alone! .. we go to the south
"polar" tonite on reX.'s realiTy! as we get
doSed with some holiday resolutions and solutions on
beatin' back the blues before we are deep in the depRession
dumPs! ..
joiN me toNite
10pm - 12am ET
radio.gaycams.org
send me messages
via AIM: rexsreality
joiN the
web-tRibe in the radio gaYcams cHat! ..
---------------------------------
1:30 pm
mann..
i canT wait for toNite..
wiLL be holdin'
gRegory in my aRms again.. he's dRiven down here today
to sPend time with me.. i have needed to see hiM. since
the day i left his apartment in sf the laSt time i wHas
there.. early in the morning.. the day beFore .. a kiss..
more..
i dont care
where we go.. wHat we do.. i just want to see his beautiful
faCe again.. and hold him tite.. instead of looking
at our blinkin' reD. sTar.. wishin' he wHas with me..
am i just
lonely.. ? .. yah.. but also i have realiZe more of
wHat i would like in my liFe.. definately a man like
hiM.
we have been
together tWice already.. grew up in sf together.. and
am convenced eVen if we dont become boYfriends again..
that i am maRRied to hiM. and wont ever be seperated..
that doesnt mean that we will be physically together..
i cant predict that or eVen set that up in my mind and
my present condition.. again.. i just have to take the
naTural course.. and just be happy that he has been
part of my liFe again..
of course
gRandma saYs third time is the cHarm.. :)
just a little
while ago.. i wHas afraid of these types of emotions
towads someone.. but know i have been embracin' them..
puttin' them at a priceless value that i cant avoid
.. and dont want to anymore.. i want love. i want a
lover.. i dont want just seX. i want to hold someone
i love and dont ever want to let go..
i tHink wHen
he dRives back to sf.. i will go back with hiM. heh!
.. i may not even have enuff money to get back.. but
somehow it will work out.. i have a feeling tHat just
a couple days with hiM. aint gonna be enuff.. and i
love our "road trips" ..music.. drivin'..
aRRivin'.. and yah.. we ARRIVE mann.. zing!
besiDes i
have some seRious business to take care of wHen im back
in sf this time.. not just gRegory.. but with myself
and it's gonna really effect what happens to me in this
neXt stage of healin'..
im waiting
for you greGory..
---------------------------------
5:11 pm
aN
email to a few of my heRos ... many ...
wanted to
give you a shout.. and let you know .. if you dont already
that im at moM.'s in bakersfield.. alot happened since
we last talked.. and feel badly that we havent in awhile..
but fell into a pretty deep hole and depression after
the landlords still battled me out of the caSa..
i want to
tHank you most for helping me out.. not with just the
funds.. but also the words of support and the tHings
you did for me .. when you didnt really have to..
it meant
more to me than you know.. and will neVer forget that
mann.. their were many heRo's being written in my book
at that time.. and you definately come to the forefront
as one..
i am cRawlin'
out of my hole as much as i can.. i still am depressed
and am battlin' my feelings and healin' here with moM.
now. with the kiTTs.. im saFe as i can be.. and little
by little im surficin' and gaining control.. im not
there yet.. but definately it wont be an overnite thing..
i had to
email you and tell you that you are on my mind.. and
there because you have given me strength.. and the will
to bring the warrior out to battle.. even if this war
is lost .. i learn and can be ready to battle the next..
stronger.. wiser.. you are part of that make-up for
me..
i want to
pay you back when i can.. i wont forget that.. and am
very dirt pooR now .. and gatherin' enuff confidence
to get myself right to have the faith in myself to know
that i will succeed in pulling myself out of this situation..
and repay others that have helped me financially. but
also to be able to have confidence that i could help
out in emotional wHays too..
i hope you
are well mann.. and tHank you again.. with this tHanksgiving
and with all that has happened.. im still tHankful for
many things.. and tryin' to bring this negative into
a positive.. dali lama thoughts of the refugee and it's
eX.perience helps me to understand..
---------------------------------
5:42 pm
greGory
called ...
he tooK his
car to the mechanics.. and wont be able to dRive down
here tonite.. i couldnt help but cRy wHen he told me..
i wanted to hold hiM. so baD. in addition to the sTrength
that i need from hiM. right now.. to get back to the
ciTy..
i understand..
and didnt want hiM. to feel baD. .. he did of course..
but it's not hiS. fault .. and iM. gonna go ahead and
head to sf neXt week sometime.. he offered to pay for
the tRain ticket and usually i would not take it from
hiM. cause he has helped me out so much already.. but
i REALLY need to see hiM. and some my tRibe there..
(gonna hug geNe and not let go!) and of course sTart
the neXt pHase of healin'..
i have created
the obsticles here.. of not getting there sooNer.. and
cant afford to do it too much longer.. but it hurts
so baD. to go back to my former hoMe of 15 years.. last
tiMe wHen i got off the tRain.. i almost got back on
and headed back.. it hurt so baD. to see those ciTy
lights.. but i knew i wHas tHere for a reason.. at that
time .. it wHas to come to terms with a "deaTh"
.. a furneral.. and finally the corpse had to be buRied..
i wHas somewhat
justified in my mind of the "raPe" of my hoMe
when i saw them making the rePairs to the windows that
i had reported to the owNer.. and they would not fix
wHen i liVed there. an afterthought wHas that they needed
me out of there to make those repairs and justify thier
efforts with other tenants that would pay tHem more
.. as my landlorD who rewarded me with my 7th year aniversary
of living there with an eviction.. said.. "well..
tHat's the pRice you pay for liVing in a quaint san
francisco victorian" ..
