reX.'s
raMbles! . . .
weD.
jaN. 9th 2001
G
R E E T I N G S Sagittarius
Surely
there's more to life than this. Your reflective state
leaves you uninterested in what those around you are
doing. Set your sights at a moderate level to avoid
unnecessary disappointment. People are not going to
behave as you think they should. Rely on yourself
as the
ultimate source of strength. You know the difference
between being passive and being helpless. Sometimes
you need to rest and let someone else do all the heavy
lifting. You'll raise your voice when you're good
and ready.
(
could someone go oVer and pick up my beD. and set
it up for me? .. my hoRRorscope says i need the rest..
so best wHay would be for me to "kick it"
.. let you set up the beD. and let me cRaWl into it..
course if you set it up .. it IS big enuff for one
other besides me and the kiTTs.. and could fit one
more if you neeD. a rest after setting it up.. oh
mann.. i miss my beD.! sigh. sometimes i tHink that
if i just get it back and would be able to sleep on
it again.. my "moVing" dREams would go aWay..
they are dRiving me baTTy! )
---------------------------------
Your body
is your vehicle through life.
Do you take better care of your body or your car?
365
reaSons for a parTy!
- on this
day in 1942 .. miCkey rooNey applied for a maRRiage
license.. (striaght burbon tonite boyes!)
more
of .. "iT." ... or... "iT." caMe
like a sTeven kinG noVel! ...
10:40 am
as
alWays.. my cryptic messages.. and un-up-dated raMbles
sometimes revel the inner voice that sometimes creeps
up here.. and leaVes people with the impression of that
last raMble..
of couRse..
thats what you have been presented.. or the next message
of my liFe.. (that makes no sense! heh! .. ) but i aint
"editin'" my words right now wHen it comes
to my personal site.. or my feelings right now.. hardly
anything makes sense sometimes.. while other things
are clicking so fast..
it's
gonna be interesting with the relationship i have with
wHat i call "iT." for now..
my last raMble
really resulted from a bath i took about a week ago
and started feeling really gRoss about my body and wHat
wHas developing in there.. i really tRipped out .. a
self mind fuck.. i know.. and am suprised as well to
even feel this wHay.. but definately felt the presence
of something else.. "iT." came like a steven
king novel.. in my bathtub.. heh! i knew reading all
those books in highschool would come back and bite my
braincells in the butt.. LoL!
i am seeing
someone.. several people actually..
i do need help.. and tHat's part of another raMble i
did recently.. about becoming a man.. and realizing
that we DO need other people..
today i leaVe
as the "reX.fugee" .. back to sf.. for the
neXt step..
blood
results from my doC.. or actually discussed about what
is going on with my new rooMate "iT." .. i
did get some very encourgaging news last week from my
councelor.. eD. he told me my cellcount looked like
i wouldnt have to go on meD.s right away.. but tomma
i really find out the intimate details of all the tests
they took.. mann.. they took enuff blood! .. wHen they
asked me if i wanted an apple juice afterwards.. i told
them .. i wanted tWo! heh! ..
after i see
my doC.. and get the lowdown on my test results and
take more tests to get an adverage of my cellcount..
(it varies i hear) .. i see a nutrianist.. to talk about
my health.. i figure we are gonna analyze my current
situation and habits and start to correct some habits
i have with eating and other "inTakes" .heh!
.. coffy.. ciggs... im sHure are gonna be the biGGies..
but will find out more onCe i talk to this person..
(reX. lites a marlbaro..and takes a sWig of coFFy)
in
the afternoon.. im gonna see eD. who is my meD.ical
soCial worker.. he's part of the early care program
for the city and county of sf.. dept of public health..
gonna start working on re-construction of my liFe..
my feelings.. tHat mind fuck shit that is trying to
dRown me in my baTh! heh! .. i laugh.. but also just
to stop that shit from overwelming me like that day..
he's been a gReat help and he makes me feel huMan ..and
not just number 4,003,220 .. class C..
sigH. i hate
hospitals and medical centers.. and that sterile enviroment..
doesnt feel right.. and put on my injun.. blank face
.. i have my objectives.. and this is serious shit..
once in awhile when i start to break that face that
is keepin me in control.. i crack a joke.. to break
that mind-fuck load that is building up and making me
break..
something
permanent has moved in .. and not with just the HIV
.. i call "iT." this whole new thing that
im familar with through others.. but now starting to
deal with it initmatly.. "iT." has more to
do with HIV..
i canT really
eX.plain it.. i dont know it enuff to.. but FEEL it..
and feel like a woman right now with her period.. so
fucking mooD.y and sWingin' this whay and that.. find
my es.capes now to focus and conTrol those feelings..
im tRippin'
like im on a biological clock right now.. a sTopwatch
that will be stopped at some moment .. ending a "raCe"
? .. acHievment.. inner balence.. soul searching.. ?>>
it's endless the things that i still need to encounter..
my
standards are cHangin very quickly in my new enviroment
and new ideA.s i have for my life.. i havent figured
it all out.. but i think that is part of it.. not..
knowing..
i dont want
to know eVerything.. i want to keep eX.ploring.. and
going through what i am now.. may be really sCary for
me.. even knowing facts that are a "safety zone"
for those feelings.. i still am sCared.. more about
the changes in my life..breaking old ties.. that are
like a bad habit.. like smoking.. i do it .. cause it's
familar.. and it's an escape.. but also it destroys
me.. but there will be those "dearly loved"
losses that i never want to lose.. im scard of that..
the unkown of my life inventory in the fuTure.. and
actually what i do have now..
tHOse new
standards .. require severin' some of those familiar
bad habits.. and resetting some new healthy ones.. they
will include the losses as well.. and hopefully the
lessons.. eX.perience and deX.terity aWards.. heh! ..
reX. cRosses his figures and rolls the diCe on this
one! ..
i really
have to realize.. the old reX. is gone..
i cant pretend anymore.. cause it will kill me.. inside
and out.. but im not gonna lose eVerything.. i know
that .. so this neX.t inventory i do will be interesting
to see what new gifts i have with the ones i still own..
we cannot
change unless we survive.. but we will not surVive unless
we cHange..
enuff of
this .. i need to get packed for a quick trip.. gonna
get back here to my kitts right after this trip.. not
like last time.. when i had to spend and eX.tended time
.. there.. searching for the path that i neede.d.. i
almost missed cHristmas.. and wHas so reveling.. of
what "home" for me is now.. wHen i did return
to my kiTTs.. and moM.
dudes.. tHank
you.. i do need your help as well..
be back soon..
bLessed be..
and will the will to will..
