i tuRned off my reX.caM the other day..
and i dont know wHen i might start it again .. or if it should even be on anymore..
it might be done at this point...
but what i do know is that i have felt like it should be off for awhile..
who knows things might be different in a day.. or next year.. or ten years..
for now.. it's the words.. and not imagery.. that matters..
.. the universe has been throwing me some wild wicked stuff lately.. challenging my beliefs of what i know and what i hold close..
to face loss.. yes.. again..
but again.. there is perspective with this challenge..
many veiwpoints of this eX.perience..
i feel all of them..
it's eX.hausting..
but im still looking directly at the fear that comes along with loss..
im not gonna back down..
ive faced tHis.. "iT." before..
and before the before..
again and again..
for tHirty-eight years..
sometimes the same..
sometimes different and new..
both are sCary..
and i am sCared..
if i back down...
or go down those same familar paths.. of pain and suffering..
but im finding now that i can actually lose or alter my beliefs without backing down.. or doing the same things that result in my suffering..
yes i suffer..
yes i feel the pain..
more and more.. as i get older..
different..
evolving..
challenging..
and letting the fear go.. having faith without beliefs.. and giving myself to the universe ... is key
.. at times..
like these..
wHen you are facing the fear and loss.. the unkown..
fRom all directions it's challenging me..
heh! ..
i have to laugh.. cause i have faced these fears one on one..
but now.. they have all ganged up on me..
it's a universe gang-bang on reX.
laugh..
i still laugh..
cause with all this around me .. the perspective is different..
i feel the pain.. but also i feel what is important..
loss does do that..
makes you think about what is important .. and what we do for that addictive part of our lives.. it makes us apprciate what we do have.. and the simple things.. become most valuable.. and meaningful..
so i can feel happy as well.. im seeing things that are happy all around durring this gang-bang.. rape of my soul..
ive given in..
not given up..
on cHristmas nite.. tY and i visited a friend who wHas sick and staying home.. it made me think of my mother who wHas also sick and staying at home.. i so wanted to be with her... especially knowing that she wHas alone.. i felt bad.. and going to my friends house helped.. cause .. i realized that my mom wasnt alone.. my friend whas right there with here.. in that same situation.. so visiting my friend became... in energy.. visiting my mom.. and a wHay to help my mom.. my friend.. but also it helped me..
on the wHay to my friend's house.. i was alone.. waiting in the car for tY to come down .. and i decided to put in my cHirstmas wish to the universe.. i requested a sign .. i do this other times as well when my beliefs are being challenged.. and life throws a gang-bang on me.. i throw something out.. to see if it returns with some kind of message.. guidence.. meaning.. to help me evlove and to give me clarity with my challenges..
mercy..
just the thought..
the word..
mercy..
i thought about mercy..
and i threw that word out to the universe..
and i would listen..
to when i would hear that word next..
conversation .. television.. radio.. wRitten word..
wherever that word came back to me..
i would know..
i would hear a celestrial message from the universe..
there are angels.. in this world.. you know..
ive met them.. seen them.. talked to them..
you have to be able to shut up enough to listen..
and sometimes you must be very patient..
and sit silently..
to hear what they say..
you have to have the most faith..
... when all your beliefs have failed..
so..
i listened ..
i waited..
mercy..
would i hear? ..
finally last nite.. after a hell-day of universe gang-banging..
i took a looooong hoooooot bath..
a rest from all my suffering.. and struggles..
a place where realazations come..
clearing a mind of fire with water all around me..
hot water..
open pores..
open doors..
to other worlds..
and words..
finally i knew..
how to..
and a cry came out of me..
deep ..
i shouted ..
"mercy"..
and finally i heard the word..
from my own self..
and knew..
i did carry my own message..
it was there..
in me..
and i was the messenger for that word and celestrial message..
... not two minutes after i got out of my bath..
the universe..
echoed ..
"mercy"..
tV.. history channel.. a man in a turbon.. talking about the koran.. and people entering heaven.. and that goD. had more mercy for those who would enter than not..
i became joB..
and became more convienced with my faith than ever.. the beliefs didnt way me down as they did..
the almost worst was here.. and will be here.. ive lost all .. and will lose more..
we die.. we must..
we lose ..
we must..
we live ..
we must..
change..
have faith..
and..
mercy..
If any sign is known for benevolence, it's yours, the darling of Jupiter, the most generous of all mythological figures. If there's an apology you need to accept or deliver, then, do it now, with the blessing of the New Year. 
